Conundrum: Freedom-Love

Can you have as much love as you have freedom, or do you need to choose one over the other; ie settling down, or giving up your freedom, in order to have love, or long-term relationship. Does love equal a long-term relationship? I think believing this causes one to have a sense of failure regarding their experiences with human connection. This is the fundamental conundrum of life here on earth, and it is insidious.

I am looking for freedom-love. This includes every facet of my life, in every human interaction.

It's the difference between convincing, and persuading; controlling, and motivating; giving with expectation, and loving; being clear about what you need, yet allowing others the freedom to respond the way they want.

I had a hard time last week telling someone that I was frustrated with the situation our project was in. It seemed I had done everything in my power to get it to move forward and it wouldn't budge. I get frustrated thinking about it even now. So, I said I was frustrated, saying "I am at my wits' end." Then I listened - because that statement obviously provoked a response in him. It was hard not to interrupt and I found myself doing it, but I did my best to just let him talk. From listening, I gathered that he had not received the vast majority of the feedback my team had been sending him, or the information he got wasn't enough for him to move forward. I don't know if realizing this really solves the problem, but at least I know now what questions to ask. He also now seems very motivated to get the job done, and was keen on learning about a new project I needed his help on.

I can see the same pattern in my former marriage. I didn't understand why my husband wasn't earning any money, so I took extra jobs, I worked hard at our relationship. The harder I worked the more miserable I became. The conundrum was I couldn't control him. I couldn't make him get a job, make him do house work, make him communicate. All that work was focused on controlling him and our situation - a hellish goal in human relationships. These fundamental ways of seeing human interaction affect all of our relationships. With my life-partner search, and with my seeking happiness for myself, letting go of control and allowing others to act is an important goal.