What makes it fun? The idea of injecting play into dating

One of the questions I ask within the eharmony "guided communication" rubric is "what do you think makes long-term relationships successful?" A common assertion from my potential datees is that communication is critical, and I believe this. Without it, what do you have but insane interaction?

But. . .what about fun? I have been on 2 or 3 dates per week since I started my quest, and, I am. . .a little bit worn out! Not that I haven't enjoyed the dates, or been stimulated by them, but. . they are very performative by nature, and performance is hard work! Particularly when the event centers around conversation and "getting to know each other." I want to be my best self for that person and show them a good time - this takes a lot of energy. It takes a lot of focus to listen deeply. These things are beautiful, and I couldn't do without them, but. . I need fun! A little levity.

I feel like there needs to be game you play in dating, banter, or even an actual game. Perhaps sex is just the default expression of this desire. Lila, meaning "play," or "sport," is one of the aspects of becoming a fully realized being. Without this divine ingredient (by which the universe was created, according to some traditions) any activity lacks life somehow, or authenticity.

PLAY - FUN - COMMUNICATION=LIFE - LOVE - COMMUNION

Waiting for reciprocation? Lessons learned. . .

I realized something about my behavior yesterday: I gush at times. Well, I've known that for a long time. I sometimes get starry eyed and want to just express that to someone (exhibit 'a': Love Letter, exhibit 'b': he may be reading this. . .). But I haven't asked myself why.

The intent is ostensibly to show love, but I wonder what I expect in return? We thrive on reciprocation so there must be some request in there. . .

I don't know, but the varying interactions since my dating odyssey began early last month are making me learn about myself. The anger in my previous post had more to do with fact I had broken my own rule and given him my number - not doing that anymore until I meet in someone in person. The pitfalls of eharmony!

Should I call/text? It's easy to tell.

Keeping a balance between kindness and maintaining boundaries can be difficult. I went on a first (and last!) date on Saturday and the guy texted me the next day. That could have been nice if it had been a friendly and no-obligation "thank you." he was just like what's up? I said I was busy and I would text him later. He was really pissed when I hadn't texted him back by the next afternoon, he said "I don't think we're a good match." I said that was fine and he had my best wishes. But. . .that wasn't the last I heard! Sheesh! Word to the wise: don't text or call someone unless you're pretty darn sure they WANT you the call them. Like you say: "I'll call you next week (tomorrow is too soon, people)." and they say: "Awesome!"

Both of you should be trying to decide IF you would eventually commit the the other person. You are not in a "relationship" yet. You are in a beautiful zone of uncertainty and possibility. It is pleasurable - tap into some hedonism and enjoy it!

Going seperate ways can feel good

I ran into a friend/former lover the other day, and as usual, our banter led to a conversation, which led to us spending the evening (just the evening) together.

I told him about this dating thing I've been doing, gave him a recap of the best dates and interesting aspects of my interactions with these beautiful men.

He was impressed and really wanted to know how I was managing not to get attached and pursue the "instant relationship" (which I had with him). I didn't really have an answer except that now I realize that if I decide to be exclusive with somebody it will be a huge gift to them, not one I will give away so easily (as I had with him).

Clearly, we are extremely attracted to each other. I used to think I couldn't resist him. But, it felt great to just spend time together with no need to cling to that great feeling, and go separate ways. A milestone.

"Which way the ship is headed"

I had dinner last night with a great friend who I hadn't spoke with in a while because he moved out of town. It was lovely to see him and catch up, lot's to catch up on! He told me about some major events in his life, and I told him about the break up of my marriage and subsequent goings on, especially the interactions with men.

He liked that I had made up my mind to find my life partner and he is now on a similar track, pursuing celibacy. He said if he was going to take the plunge, it would be for good so it had better be the right partner.

When I told him I was doing eharmony he said he prefers "free-range women," meaning out in the field and not in cyberspace. Ha!

He also said something I really paid attention to- he doesn't appreciate women making sexual advances when he makes it clear that he is not pursuing that. He said it's frustrating that he is trying to do the right thing, but women continue to tempt him to go astray.

Likewise, I have been shocked by how respectful men have been since I have become clear on where I am at on sex; ie I don't want to go there outside of a relationship with longterm intentions.

When I told him that, he said, "yeah well it's nice to know which way the ship is headed."

Penitence and compassion, not guilt

I spoke to my best friend last night, we caught each other up a little with our lives. We barely have time to keep up with the latest updates - both of us have full-time jobs, she has kids, and I am working on a PhD. So. . .I mentioned the idea that maybe I won't have kids, recapped most of what is in my latest blog posts, etc. She was like, you know there is so much to be given to the kids of the world, they need so much.

Very true. There are many opportunities to help raise the kids of the world without having your own. Her kids call me "aunt" as do my little cousins - this is the sort of milestone I am talking about in my blog title. I could certainly be more focused in the way I work and spend time with the kids in my life. I also work with kids for my job, and that is the most exciting aspect - changing the way young people think is a huge responsibility and a huge chance to make the world a better place.

Not to mention, helping the kids' parents! They get so focused on their kids, they forget to take care of themselves - good to remind them to do that. . .and to listen to their latest stories about family, work, life. . .listening is a huge service in my book. Asking the right questions, too. . .ie "What do your instincts tell you to do?". . .then give your take on the situation.

So. . .needless to say, feeling regret at my earlier slam on motherhood. However, I don't feel guilty, just filled with new appreciation for the work and love that goes into it, and the shear difficulty of it. Hoping to help. I have been working out the difference between guilt (which is a negative force in relationships and life), and honest regret. The latter one is positive.

The stories of the Bible have some wisdom on that subject - the prodigal son, and Jonah come to mind first. Particularly, Jonah because it illustrates penitence. That beautiful human emotion speaks to accountability without guilt or self-hate, but love and gratitude. It also leads to the next step of devotion, or an unhesitant desire to serve with love and compassion.

Jonah from the whale's belly:

"What I have vowed I will pay; deliverance is from the Lord."

And God made the great beast spit him onto dry land. . .for which he was grateful - but his penitence had to come first. He also learned about the transformative power of penitence as an observer when he saw the people of Ninevah repent, and gain the Lord's forgiveness. He wasn't expecting that. . .

That is my Sunday morning sermon. . .Amen!

We Are All One

Can hypocrisy ever be avoided? I don't think so, considering the dualistic nature of the reality we experience here on Earth. I just demonstrated the conflict in my own thinking when I talked about "embodying our situations." It is true our experiences shape our appearance. However, by pointing out the situations of others that I don't want to be in, I boosted myself up in thinking I must be in a good one! The very thing I complain about others doing in my "ideal man" page.

I may have slammed motherhood, ever so slightly, but only because I have been regretting not thinking about it seriously when I was young. I honestly didn't mean to make it sound like the motherhood situation is a bad one. I have seen how becoming a parent has softened friends and colleagues in very positive ways. I also happen to have a lot of women friends who are hot mamas (literally and figuratively), and look awesome!! In order to get to the place of appreciating my situation, though, I needed to reject theirs for a minute.

The fact is the differences between our situations are illusory; we are one, all part of the human experience. Cezanne defined a painting as a two-dimensional object covered in paint. We are all depicted in different forms, but ultimately those two-dimensional representations of our lives are only a part of the whole, this canvass of earthly experience.

"Embodying Our Situations"

I recently visited a friend in another city. She is striking, tall, and a natural beauty. She and I are both single at the moment and neither of us have children. While I have felt considerable angst about this, she said something that made me reassess, and appreciate my situation. We were discussing women we knew, in various marital situations who have kids. She was struck by the way we embody our situations. . .that is our appearance reflects the way we are oriented towards life - those of us with children and supportive husbands look sort of young and well-taken-care of, if a little bland. Those of us with more precarious situations also seem to be struggling and fighting others in our words and deeds, and sort of look the part as well.

What do I look like? Well. . .after a few years of working out regularly and cleaning up my eating habits, I look pretty good! Though I certainly continue to work on it. I bought the highest heels I've owned while I was visiting her, a pair of sexy black boots. Of course, I had to break them in as well, and wear them all around the city (ouch).

So, there we were, two attractive tall women. Needless to say, we sort of stood out - it was fun and empowering!

She also mentioned during one of our many conversations that she would sometimes stop herself from charming men into giving her what she wanted (whether a free pass, or a discount, or whatever) she said she felt too ashamed. "That is a shame!" I thought. Why should a woman hold herself back from being her fully charming self? Men certainly don't seem to - make it a fair game at least.

However, tonight, while deciding what to wear for my date, I almost held back from putting on those boots. . .until I thought better of it, and put those babies on!  In the past I would have held back - I never wanted to look like I was trying to impress a man. But when else is there a better time to dress in a way which makes me feel beautiful? Why not "embody my situation?"

I even reapplied my lipstick in the bathroom. This may not sound like a big deal, but it was for me. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed it, and the idea I was being appreciated. Shallow? Maybe...but perhaps I am reflecting the inside of me more completely now.

Being a teacher, finding the right teaching/learning situation in one's relationships

Last Saturday I went to an event for work. My boss was the keynote speaker, and gave a rousing explanation of Ramadan, pertinent to both Muslims and those not familiar with Islam.

Afterward he, his wife and I were talking outside and he mentioned one of the questions he got. I can't remember what it is now, but it was one of those he has probably gotten a million times. I said "Don't you ever get tired of answering that?" He said no it was part of being a teacher. I said "You have more patience than God!" He pointed to his wife and said, "She doesn't think so!" I said well, she's got a different perspective!"

A few days later I was out on a date and the guy joked that I teach about terrorists for a living. I made it clear I was displeased and he got a little defensive. It's not that I haven't heard similar comments, but in a context where I'm the teacher it's ok. With personal connections i need a certain level of understanding in regard to cultures and areas of the world I teach about and study. Or a curiosity about them.

Teaching and learning are fundamental to human interaction. We are constantly teaching and learning from our friends and potential mates. However, I find that I don't want to be in the position to enlighten someone when, not only do they lack knowledge, they are not even curious or desiring to understand perspectives very different from their own.

That said, I went on another date with him yesterday. We went hiking in the woods together for a few hours, plenty of time to talk. I told the story of "The Spider" from the Qur'an when we walked through some spider webs. He seemed to appreciate it - I shouldn't be too judgmental toward him, perhaps. If I changed the way he thinks about Islam, all the better.

And, afterall, we are just dating! It is not as big of a deal in this stage of just having fun. However, I have come to understand stereotypes as serious problems, which lead to hate and oppression. I see that everyone has them - they are a part of the knowledge we inherit. However, as unavoidable as they are, it is important to take responsibility for them.

I clearly need to think about what my needs are with regard to this matter, in any committed, longterm relationship. Especially, if I'm going to live with someone. I want the atmosphere of my home to be a sacred one, free if hateful thoughts words or actions. I want to find a partner who understands this, and who I don't need to teach it to.

I would like someone who would teach me and challenge me to live out my values better, and who would want the same from me. A more even teaching/learning situation.