Post-fitting room trauma vs. girlfriend fitting room victory

I went clothes shopping and actually had fun.

I was secretly dreading it because of the nearly 100% rate of severe depression I suffer post-fitting room.  Just the word "fitting room" makes me want to cry.

In the car on the way there I did a little yogic breathing to banish the dread.  I was like: "OK Ujay breath for victory in shopping." and commenced breathing like Darth Vader.  My friend's like, "Oh yeah. We'll be successful." She had total confidence. It made me want to woman up.. . instead of being a whiner. . .

She went right to work, seeking pieces she thought would work.  I poked around a little myself, lazily, and without much direction.  Then, we went to the fitting room - she stationed herself outside while I put stuff on, and went out to show her. Her feedback was honest when an item didn't work so well, and she went wild when I came out in something bold and feminine.  Out of my comfort zone, so I would ham it up and do the runway walk.

I ended up with a few sexy yet professional outfits and an awesome coat.  More importantly, I felt good, happy about myself, and NOT depressed.  A red letter day.

Letting go of friendships, the seeming loss of love

"Don't say 'Go away' if your heart is saying a wise 'I forgive.' Don't say 'I forgive' when your heart is saying a wise 'Go away.'" -Paulo Coelho's Facebook post of 11/16/2011

"If everybody loves you, something is wrong. You can't please everybody." - Paulo Coelho's Facebook post of 11/17/2011

These both connected to what I have been experiencing over the past week.  A friendship has been quite tumultuous, at least on his part.  Over the years, he has occasionally had 'outbursts' about me not calling him - ones not really appropriate for a friendship, seeming more like a spurned lover.  He gets upset and I end up talking to him at length about how he feels, and promising to call him, or email him, or whatever.

I am so tired of emotionally manipulating men, and my own stupidity in not trusting what my heart says about them.  I finally asked him: "What are your intentions toward me?" He was like: "What? do you think I have romantic intentions toward you?" God! Hello?  If you don't realize that can happen, in general, and address it as an adult, you are not an adult.  Oh well, a lovely person, but there are other lovely people out there. Sometimes it's better to let go of a friendship.

This is ultimately the tragedy of human existence - why must we lose friendships?  Why must children be born to married couples who lose their friendship? Why must we be deprived of love?

Old Friends

I spoke to a friend for the first time in a couple of years.  We were kind of nervous - ie we both asked how are you? twice. .

Then he was like. . [pause] it's been a long time since the last time we spoke.  Yes! I said, because the last time I saw you I was still living with my then-husband.  So. . at least since 2008.

He gave me a couple updates, and I filled him in on my marital situation.  Then, we decided to have coffee on Sunday.  He is an important person in my life - I spent almost every evening with him in High School.  We went through a lot together. . he has a lot of dirt on me, I on him. . heh, heh. . .

When someone asked me if I had any male friends who hadn't been lovers, he was the first who popped to mind. I am excited to see him!  There is something about history that provides an opportunity to heal, to say - OK, you know my roots, but here is where I am now. . . I can face my past, the good and bad of it, as the way I needed to get to here.  I wonder if he's feeling the same way?

Makes me think of Simon and Garfunkel's "Old Friends"

Walking wounded, Fortress of the Heart

We held a concert over the weekend and my job was to take care of the musicians. It was a pleasure. We had great conversations.  Someone asked me what I thought about the Penn State rape scandal. I said that there were victims of sexual abuse all around us. The problem is we are so afraid of sex, we don't say anything.  I feel like so many of us are "walking wounded," due to rape and other types of violation.  

Thich Nhat Hanh talks about a fortress that only trusted ones should be allowed to enter, using the "forbidden city" as a metaphor.   This refers to the heart, but he also notes that there are certain parts of the body which should not be touched unless there is total love.  

As a part of the concert, it was my honor to read a selection from Rumi's Mesnavi in English - someone else recited in Persian before me.  This quote speaks of the longing which sometimes can lead us to allow our fortress walls to be violated:

"Listen to the reed how it tells a tale, complaining of separations -

Saying, 'Ever since I was parted from the reed-bed, my lament hath caused man and woman to moan. 

I want a bosom torn by severance, that I may unfold (to such a one) the pain of love-desire.'

Everyone who is left far from his source wishes back the time when he was united with it." 

The longing is really the desire to be returned to your state of oneness with God. It is a desire for healing. 

Having the floor, sharing the floor

I gave a talk on intercultural difference to an audience of Army officers on Sunday.  A Colonel happened to be sitting in and he shared his experiences of Afghanistan with the group.  The stories he told were perfect segues to the key cultural concepts and information I had wanted to convey.  He also said I did a good job and I thanked him for his input as well

I am coming to a place where I appreciate having the floor, but am equally glad to share it.  It used to be that I would feel a huge amount of anxiety with "lecturing" and public speaking.  It is a real test of confidence.