Mate vs. life partner

My friend finds the term "life partner" cheesy. He says I need to find a mate.

After all, a relationship ending does not equate to failure.  On the contrary, it means you have learned what you needed to and it is time to move on.  So if this is true, then looking for that rare person who can provide a lifetime of learning, and keep you engaged physically, hmmmn. . needle in the haystack?

Perhaps he's right.

Thank you, you jerk! Seriously. . .

I got a call the night before last which I have been complaining about. This guy rubbed my ego the wrong way. But, I have to say, he gave me some important information. The key piece, within a much larger arrogant discourse about his specialness, was that I seemed indifferent to him. Something clicked when he said that.

When I become uncomfortable, I disengage. This could be because I don't want to argue, but it can also be when I don't want to get hurt. He said I seemed "to have a picket fence around me" and I "showed a card board cut-out of myself to the world." Nice. That's a lot to say to someone you've only just met! However, I must admit, very perceptive.

I have admitted freely that I perform. In different contexts, social, cultural, interpersonal, I behave differently.  This is a way of responding to different environments, a way of being fully engaged with the different individuals and groups with whom I interact. In a way I am more 'real' by functioning this way than if I was artificially 'real', or tried to be the same, no matter what social context I find myself in.

I think that guy has had the unusual experience  (or privilege, to be precise) of not having to change according to social context.  He sees the world very individualistically - everyone is unique and needs to be "totally open with everyone," as he said he was.  Well, that isn't as easy for everyone.  We all have histories that should be honored for how they have shaped who we are now, reserved or "totally open."  Neither way of being makes one wrong. 

But, I thank him.  He shared very honestly what he thought about me, and how I made him feel.  That is awesome, and I learned from it.  I want to be more open and giving emotionally - he made me aware of how quickly I can go into a mode where I am not that way.  No wonder people don't always respond to me the way I would like - what you get is what you give.  .  .

Confidences turn a colleague into a friend

I had lunch yesterday with someone who, after what we discussed, I must say is a friend. It is amazing how disclosure will transform your thinking about a relationship.

While our purpose was purportedly a business meeting, we both went into it with the holiday duldrums and a bigger desire to catch up with this great colleague we've known through recent collaborative projects.

How did it happen? I can't remember what we were talking about, exactly, but the conversation had gone in the direction of love and relationships.

I reflected on how crazy I had become toward the end of my relationship with my exhusband. He hadn't been working for sometime, and he wasn't responding to my requests that he get a job. Finally, I decided to do something that would get my message across, clearly.

At six O'Clock in the morning, during the time I was getting ready for work, I stood at the bottom of the bed where he was sleeping. Then I firmly grabbed a swath of our comforter, and ripped his cover completely off of him. Then I said, "I want you to get a job! Today. I want you to get a job today. Today!"

Wow! I can't even imagine doing that to someone now. Yet at the time, it seemed perfectly logical. Desperate times call for desperate measures, was my thinking.

In sharing that, and the background behind it, with a person who can relate from her similar life experience, helped me to see how far I've come since that day. Especially due to the laughter we both had about it.

And thus, an excellent colleague now has become, in my mind, a dear friend.

Death, play, love. . . living for today.

I woke up to a delightful conversation with my five-year-old cousin and my uncle.

As my uncle and I were drinking coffee, they were both looking through all of the goodies for sale at Target, Toys-Are-Us, and what-not - my uncle was urging him to decide what he wanted for Christmas.  An avid video-gamer, he started listing the names of video games and their heroes, Mario, Sonic, and others - then he read out the name "Death."

"UUh what was that one?"

"Death."

"Um" I said "That's not a game." - a bit puzzled.  My uncle said, "Yeah, that's the end of the game." I said, "Game over!"

My cousin explained what it entailed: killing vampires and zombies, basically.  Which is exactly what he and his brother and I played last night.  They would "kill" me with their "blade" (a plastic circle we were spinning across the floor) and I would play "dead."  Then, they would either resurrect me by tickling me, or I would pop up and hiss at them like a vampire.  It was fun.

Death has a way of infiltrating life, doesn't it?

Some say that there is an infinite cycle of life and death, neither one being real.  I say they are as real as we make them.  By either counting down the minutes, days, weeks, and years we have left (living within a framework of death) - or, living in the moment (choosing life).  I choose to live in the moment.

This goes against most common sense.  Particularly, as a women, the belief that I must hurry up and get around to that procreation thing (ie before you get too OLD - which is referring to the DEATH clock ticking, as well).  Sigh.  I wish I could say I didn't care about that, and "Screw you, I don't want to have kids anyway!" to those who repeat those "words of wisdom" to me.  BUT,  I want to fall in love and have a baby, like any average Joan does.  It is profound, that longing. . .

No profound desire is worth throwing away what I've got, though.  I will not be seduced by the serpent in the garden.  I choose living in the moment, flirting and playing, rather than listening to that snake - who is a big fake!

Freedom might not be so hard, after all

The seeming conflict between freedom and love came from my idea that in relationships I must either do what someone wants me to do, or not have friendship/companionship at all. 

I'm starting to look at relationships as being autonomous from the individuals creating them, as having a life of their own.  People surprise and delight me. 

My friend, Kyrsten Kibbey, wrote a poem about experiences with love - here is an excerpt: 

"You want me to be everything

But confess you aren’t giving me all

You have to give.

You won’t leave the garden

Despite the serpent’s deathly venom."

The garden. . .we all want the garden.  We just have to learn the right amount of tending. . . 

Ain't no sunshine. . .gotta bring it, bring more of it

I await my final grade in one class with trepidation. I really wasn't sure what my status was in that class . . .

Ooooh, feeling a little light-headed. Just thinking about it. Why do I do this to myself?

Because I feel as though I have important work to do. 

How arrogant is that? What I really want is to feel joy and share it with others. Perhaps have a companion to share it with. Maybe a few. . .

Well, I do my best to share a little sunshine wherever I go. Maybe If I work on that, focus my attention on that, it'll grow. A beautiful person reminded me of that the other night: don't focus on what you don't want, focus on what you do want.

Maybe my work is my joy. . . just figuring out how to combine the two completely!

Playing, teaching, learning. . .Lila is what I live for!

Friday night I spent the evening drinking wine with a beautiful young man. Life is good!

He picked me up at 10:30, bottle in hand, and we spent the evening talking. At one point I said "It's not easy being green." - and he didn't get the reference. Ha! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he is quite a bit younger than I.

It doesn't make any difference in terms of maturity or wisdom, both of which he's got more of than many people I know who are twice his age.

But the specter of Demi Moore, and her recent debacle with much younger husband, Ashton Kutcher, makes me scared. Then again, Muhammed (PBUH) and Khadija had a similar age difference, but had a spectacular relationship.

Hhmmmn . . .remember what I said a few posts back about not wanting to be the teacher in the relationship? Well, in this case, I love being the teacher because he wants to learn what I have to teach! And I learn plenty from him.

God, are you playing with me again?
Well, bring it on! Lila is what I live for. . .http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lila

Spirituality as beauty. . .come on in Venus. . .

We went to my professor's house after class on Wednesday (yeah, finals week has meant fewer blog posts). It was our last class of the quarter, and we felt like celebrating. It was wonderful to be able to mingle with all the different individuals in the class, I spoke with everyone. It's so rare to find, usually cliques form and you don't get to know everyone. The class was on spirituality, race and dialogue which is also rare. What a joy to be able to think about and discuss things that matter.

Putting spirituality at the center makes a huge difference.  Today a little kid told me he thought I was pretty - inner peace shows as outer beauty. 

One of my new year's resolutions is to invite Venus into my life.  I want my inner and outer experiences to nurture each other.  Eros and Venus, actually. . . I am ready for it!