I believe in hedonism as a means to a better life. It worked for me when I decided to become a happy person, a decision which has led to a great deal of healing in my life and more wellbeing.
I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday and admitted to not being 100% happy, to feeling pretty happy but with a touch of boredom, restlessness, ennui. . . anger! A few months ago, I described it as "being amped up" - kind of a punk rock happiness.
I also asked my readers and myself what they/I would go to the mat for some months ago. I had the idea that I might want to work for creating a sort of Heaven on Earth. What did I mean? Well. . at the time I didn't know.
But now I do. I want Freedom-Love, not only for myself, or even for a special person, but for everyone. I need to be present to the broken society around me, and the wounds it's created in the people around me. I need to be a friend to everybody, and work towards Freedom and Love for everyone (a path for justice) in order to really be happy. Hedonism is the stepping stone, finding a sense of purpose is the milestone.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Spontaneity is the spice of life
I just learned that my neighbor is from Toledo and has been in the Peace Corps, and she grew up using public transport as her main means for getting around. Finally, after almost two years of living here! We had been trying to meet for weeks and we finally made a plan for yesterday evening.
When she came over my friend was still at my place. He and I had just gotten Chinese on the way to my place, and he was just going to stop in so he could eat it before he went home. She was really cool about him being there, even though she had no warning. She was like, "Oh, I love meeting new people!" I appreciated that.
It seems like people in this society are so focused on time and planning that they just cram way too much in to their days, and have no ability to spontaneously enjoy some company. Everything has to be scheduled, planned ahead. It was really nice to learn about my neighbor and have a great conversation with my friend, who leisurely finished his meal while we talked.
When she came over my friend was still at my place. He and I had just gotten Chinese on the way to my place, and he was just going to stop in so he could eat it before he went home. She was really cool about him being there, even though she had no warning. She was like, "Oh, I love meeting new people!" I appreciated that.
It seems like people in this society are so focused on time and planning that they just cram way too much in to their days, and have no ability to spontaneously enjoy some company. Everything has to be scheduled, planned ahead. It was really nice to learn about my neighbor and have a great conversation with my friend, who leisurely finished his meal while we talked.
I long for more of that. Real connection can't be planned. Real, awakened experience doesn't happen on a schedule.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Sermon
Don't participate in oppression.
Sure! you say. No problem.
First, ask yourself what pay-offs you get (or commercial entities get) when you accept:
Do you get defensive when someone observes something unflattering about something you enjoy or identify with? You may need to start resisting the oppressive aspects of entertainment, recreation, and other habits or 'needs' you have.
These are reflections on recent conversations, Facebook threads, and literature I have read. . .more on that later!
Sure! you say. No problem.
First, ask yourself what pay-offs you get (or commercial entities get) when you accept:
- The objectification of women.
- The appropriation of Black culture.
- The glorification of straight norms.
- The idea that membership in a religion is moral.
- The idea that secularism equals rationality.
- Many other similar activities. . .
Do you get defensive when someone observes something unflattering about something you enjoy or identify with? You may need to start resisting the oppressive aspects of entertainment, recreation, and other habits or 'needs' you have.
These are reflections on recent conversations, Facebook threads, and literature I have read. . .more on that later!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Yoga practice, thoughts on friendship
After work I did yoga with my friend who has been my "yoga buddy" for several years now - keeping me on target when I begin to drift. We hadn't practiced together for several months. I can't remember the last time. . .
At one point tonight she pointed out I hadn't done budgablahblahblah and I was like, "huh?' I had forgotten the pose even existed. Shows how solid my practice has been since she's been out of the picture!
Anyway, it really helps to have someone in your life who holds you accountable. I hope that we will begin practicing together again regularly. She has also always been very nonjudgmental of my body, my abilities, etc., and made me feel like I can do more than I thought I could.
Sometimes I wonder if that isn't the core of friendship - constructive criticism on one side and supportive, nonjudgmental love on the other.
At one point tonight she pointed out I hadn't done budgablahblahblah and I was like, "huh?' I had forgotten the pose even existed. Shows how solid my practice has been since she's been out of the picture!
Anyway, it really helps to have someone in your life who holds you accountable. I hope that we will begin practicing together again regularly. She has also always been very nonjudgmental of my body, my abilities, etc., and made me feel like I can do more than I thought I could.
Sometimes I wonder if that isn't the core of friendship - constructive criticism on one side and supportive, nonjudgmental love on the other.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Reflections on banter, laughter and pain at the Dentist
Got a filling today. It's in a tooth which doesn't need any pain killer because the nerve was taken out of it with a root canal. Nice! Always a favorite topic. . . pain and dentistry.
My dentist is also a professor so he always teaches you something when he is working on you. He was like, "Well, you won't need any thing for pain today." and looked me straight in the eye to see if I understood why. I was like, "right. there's no nerve in that tooth" He was like, "So, no needles today." But you know, I've got a drawer full of 'em." I was like "I know you do." He liked that.
Then I told him I am pretty macho when it comes to dentistry pain, but that is a tendency I am trying to overcome. Perhaps it's because I had to adapt to different norms when I was living around the world. A friend of mine is from the Ukraine and growing up she never had any sort of pain relief at the dentist. I would just think of her when I got a little uncomfortable in years past.
I guess there are several approaches to pain. 1) Face it down, realize it is as much of an illusion as pleasure - it's all in your mind! 2) pain killer, or, perhaps alcohol or some other pleasure- enhancer 3) laughter - as Mark Twain said, Heaven must be boring because there couldn't be laughter without any pain.
The filling was, as promised, pain free. Or perhaps I was just so zen I rolled with the discomfort of it. At the end the dental hygenist offereed me that spit suction tube thing they use to mop up your mouth, for one last expectoration. I looked at it and said, "as inviting as you offer is. . no thanks!" and swallowed my spit. They thought that was hilarious.
My dentist is also a professor so he always teaches you something when he is working on you. He was like, "Well, you won't need any thing for pain today." and looked me straight in the eye to see if I understood why. I was like, "right. there's no nerve in that tooth" He was like, "So, no needles today." But you know, I've got a drawer full of 'em." I was like "I know you do." He liked that.
Then I told him I am pretty macho when it comes to dentistry pain, but that is a tendency I am trying to overcome. Perhaps it's because I had to adapt to different norms when I was living around the world. A friend of mine is from the Ukraine and growing up she never had any sort of pain relief at the dentist. I would just think of her when I got a little uncomfortable in years past.
I guess there are several approaches to pain. 1) Face it down, realize it is as much of an illusion as pleasure - it's all in your mind! 2) pain killer, or, perhaps alcohol or some other pleasure- enhancer 3) laughter - as Mark Twain said, Heaven must be boring because there couldn't be laughter without any pain.
The filling was, as promised, pain free. Or perhaps I was just so zen I rolled with the discomfort of it. At the end the dental hygenist offereed me that spit suction tube thing they use to mop up your mouth, for one last expectoration. I looked at it and said, "as inviting as you offer is. . no thanks!" and swallowed my spit. They thought that was hilarious.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Bus Stop Interaction
I saw a man standing at the bus stop as I walked up, but didn't take a close look at him until he asked me if the bus was supposed to come soon. I said, "Any minute now." and smiled.
He asked me if I taught at the university and I said "sometimes" but that it wasn't my main job, or something like that. He said he thought he might have had me once. . . hmmn, interesting choice of words! and asked what I taught. I said Middle East Studies and told him about a couple of courses I have taught. He said he majored in communications but that it took him 7 years to get his bachelors, and it hadn't led to anything job-wise.
He said he had a hard time focusing in his twenties. . . but that they say thirty is the new twenty. I said yeah, and forty is the new twenty, fifty is the new twenty. . .I guess there are other people like me who feel like they are in their twenties - BUT FOR VERY DIFFERENT REASONS. He seemed to be looking for approval. He said he wasn't doing anything job-wise that was near his core, his passions in life (interesting how much he shared with me at the bus stop). I feel like I've finally woken up. I am more fit than I've ever been in my life, emotionally and physically. I like pretending I'm in my twenties because it opens up a world of possibilities, and I want to dance through life for a lot longer. I want to make my own rules and play a joyous game of transcendence, but also play the game of society and interacting with others.
Love for self and others is where it's at. Realizing we're all one through that love, healing.
He asked me if I taught at the university and I said "sometimes" but that it wasn't my main job, or something like that. He said he thought he might have had me once. . . hmmn, interesting choice of words! and asked what I taught. I said Middle East Studies and told him about a couple of courses I have taught. He said he majored in communications but that it took him 7 years to get his bachelors, and it hadn't led to anything job-wise.
He said he had a hard time focusing in his twenties. . . but that they say thirty is the new twenty. I said yeah, and forty is the new twenty, fifty is the new twenty. . .I guess there are other people like me who feel like they are in their twenties - BUT FOR VERY DIFFERENT REASONS. He seemed to be looking for approval. He said he wasn't doing anything job-wise that was near his core, his passions in life (interesting how much he shared with me at the bus stop). I feel like I've finally woken up. I am more fit than I've ever been in my life, emotionally and physically. I like pretending I'm in my twenties because it opens up a world of possibilities, and I want to dance through life for a lot longer. I want to make my own rules and play a joyous game of transcendence, but also play the game of society and interacting with others.
Love for self and others is where it's at. Realizing we're all one through that love, healing.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Bean bag non-interaction
I am regretting not interacting more this afternoon.
I went to the art museum on my own - a solitary outing is something I am doing more often these days. As I was walking into the building some guys asked if the front door was closed. I told them "yeah, I just went up there and the sign said you have to go around back."
We continued walking around the building, until another door appeared on the side - I said "Do you want me to go up to that one so you don't have to try that one either?" They all laughed - which made me happy because I love when people laugh at my jokes.
We bought our tickets together, too. Then, I hung my coat up. Then, I wandered the lobby, looking for signage regarding the Caravaggio exhibit - one of them was doing the same thing. Suddenly, I spotted large colorful sacs on the ground which two girls were sitting on.
I said, "Are these bean bags?!" (I used to looooove bean bags when I was little - I'm a child of the 70's.) They were like yeah. So I sat down on one. It felt so good. I read some things that were posted on the wall for while then decided to get up and look for the Caravaggio exhibit again.
As I got up, I noticed the same guy behind me - it seemed he was coming to the bean bags, too. But it was too late, I had already started walking away.
Damn! I should have hammed it up more and lingered. I bet he would have said something to me.
If I am going to take these little "solitary outings" I need to up my game and start paying attention to my surroundings more. . .serious fun surveillance senses turned fully on.
I went to the art museum on my own - a solitary outing is something I am doing more often these days. As I was walking into the building some guys asked if the front door was closed. I told them "yeah, I just went up there and the sign said you have to go around back."
We continued walking around the building, until another door appeared on the side - I said "Do you want me to go up to that one so you don't have to try that one either?" They all laughed - which made me happy because I love when people laugh at my jokes.
We bought our tickets together, too. Then, I hung my coat up. Then, I wandered the lobby, looking for signage regarding the Caravaggio exhibit - one of them was doing the same thing. Suddenly, I spotted large colorful sacs on the ground which two girls were sitting on.
I said, "Are these bean bags?!" (I used to looooove bean bags when I was little - I'm a child of the 70's.) They were like yeah. So I sat down on one. It felt so good. I read some things that were posted on the wall for while then decided to get up and look for the Caravaggio exhibit again.
As I got up, I noticed the same guy behind me - it seemed he was coming to the bean bags, too. But it was too late, I had already started walking away.
Damn! I should have hammed it up more and lingered. I bet he would have said something to me.
If I am going to take these little "solitary outings" I need to up my game and start paying attention to my surroundings more. . .serious fun surveillance senses turned fully on.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Not hating back, not getting upset when blamed
Today I told someone that I wasn't willing to do what he wanted me to do. I sent him one sentence. He sent me two long emails. They contained threats and blame, a plea to understand his position.
Wow. All that for the simple answer of "No." Apparently, I need to either do what he wants me to do, or be exposed to his venomous reaction. An irate or otherwise emotional response to "No" is abuse. He is therefore an abuser. When two people agree on there being a limitation to the two choices of doing what someone says or subjecting yourself to their negative emotional state, an abusive relationship is formed - I simply choose not to participate in an interaction that doesn't feel good.
I don't want to hate which would only drag me into that abusive state. I want to forgive, to let go - he is a human being and I understand he is frustrated. But how do you love someone that abuses? Talk to them - "speak your truth." Talking back instead of hating back. However, it becomes hard to think, to do anything, when you let their emotions pull you out of your good feeling place.
So, I have just been trying to feel better, focus on doing things that give me joy.
I also called someone for help to solve the problem that keeps me involved with this person, hoping I will be able to pull out asap. I can't even think about replying to his email without getting anxious, and I have been to the point over the past month where thinking about interacting with him gives me a stomachache. I somehow feel like I should do more, I can fix it. . .like it's my fault somehow. That is another sign of abuse and what it feels like to interact with a manipulative person. He actually stated in his first irate email:
Wow. All that for the simple answer of "No." Apparently, I need to either do what he wants me to do, or be exposed to his venomous reaction. An irate or otherwise emotional response to "No" is abuse. He is therefore an abuser. When two people agree on there being a limitation to the two choices of doing what someone says or subjecting yourself to their negative emotional state, an abusive relationship is formed - I simply choose not to participate in an interaction that doesn't feel good.
I don't want to hate which would only drag me into that abusive state. I want to forgive, to let go - he is a human being and I understand he is frustrated. But how do you love someone that abuses? Talk to them - "speak your truth." Talking back instead of hating back. However, it becomes hard to think, to do anything, when you let their emotions pull you out of your good feeling place.
So, I have just been trying to feel better, focus on doing things that give me joy.
I also called someone for help to solve the problem that keeps me involved with this person, hoping I will be able to pull out asap. I can't even think about replying to his email without getting anxious, and I have been to the point over the past month where thinking about interacting with him gives me a stomachache. I somehow feel like I should do more, I can fix it. . .like it's my fault somehow. That is another sign of abuse and what it feels like to interact with a manipulative person. He actually stated in his first irate email:
"You are completely responsible for the state of this project. As I mentioned before, the only reason that this project is nearing completion is because of my devotion and commitment to it from the beginning."
Just reading that gets my heart pounding! How do you not get upset when you are blamed?
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Loving ladies
Yesterday, at Panera, I was catching my friend up on my life - we hadn't seen each other for a long while - and when I told her of a recent development having to do with a certain male interest of mine I saw her eyes light up. As though she were in my shoes. It made me smile.
That's awesome. I really appreciate the way my close women friends love updates from my life and seem to be able to feel what I'm feeling when I talk about them. They are loving.
Tonight I was telling another good woman friend about my dream last night. About half way through I started wondering if the story was too weird, but I looked at her, rapt with attention. I continued on, and felt very appreciative. After all, dreams are really personal, their meaning has particular significance to you. Showing interest in them, regardless of how hard they may be to follow, shows a sincerity that comes from the heart.
What would I do/have done without all the wonderful women who have filled my life? I would certainly NOT be where I am today, and would have a long way to go to get here.
That's awesome. I really appreciate the way my close women friends love updates from my life and seem to be able to feel what I'm feeling when I talk about them. They are loving.
Tonight I was telling another good woman friend about my dream last night. About half way through I started wondering if the story was too weird, but I looked at her, rapt with attention. I continued on, and felt very appreciative. After all, dreams are really personal, their meaning has particular significance to you. Showing interest in them, regardless of how hard they may be to follow, shows a sincerity that comes from the heart.
What would I do/have done without all the wonderful women who have filled my life? I would certainly NOT be where I am today, and would have a long way to go to get here.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Minimalism and allowing real interaction
He hasn't called yet.
I was happy to receive his text this morning, and I wanted to text back. But to what end?
Doing what is necessary, but only what is necessary, allows space for real interaction.
So, I will resist. Make myself dinner, and wait. . .try to distract myself with some sort of activity around my apartment. . .like blogging. :-)
I was happy to receive his text this morning, and I wanted to text back. But to what end?
Doing what is necessary, but only what is necessary, allows space for real interaction.
- To show him how happy I am? It was early enough that he knew I would probably be asleep and would not be replying.
- To encourage him? I already left him a voice mail that I said I would like him to call me. anyway, do I really want someone who would need encouragement, or do I want to interact with confident men?
- To inspire him to call. . . more? Obvious answer. ;-)
So, I will resist. Make myself dinner, and wait. . .try to distract myself with some sort of activity around my apartment. . .like blogging. :-)
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