Indulgence

Went out to eat last night. We went to a well-curated bar/bistro that I love.  We let our server pick out his favorites on a cheese/meat board for us. 

I've been eating a lot of meat.

I have to admit, I liked the wine a lot and drank a little too much.  Probably I embellished and said more than I should of at certain points due to that factor.  I also played with food, dangling the prosciutto until someone grabbed a piece off of it, and fanning the bread slices like cards. "Pick a cahd, any cahd. .. ."

Miraculously, I woke up on time and am here in my office, fairly unscathed.  What is the role of indulgence, and over-indulgence in my life?  I suppose if I didn't stick to a routine normally, it wouldn't be nearly as fun to do that.  It's all about the change.  Contrasts. . .duality. . .expansion and contraction.. . life on Earth. 

Physical proximity no substitute for real community

When I got on the bus this morning most seats were full.  There were a few open ones, and I chose the one next to a young woman who had politely kept her bags on her lap to make room for someone.

She was reading, and, as I had a library book I need to return in my bag, I decided to read, too.

As we approached downtown, people filed off at the stops.  I always feel an obligation to move when this happens, but I was comfortable.  So, I stayed in that seat.  More people got on as we approached campus.

Later, at mid-day, I was at the library.  The line to get food was long and the cafe was crowded, but I need some refreshment so I stuck it out.  Once I got my yogurt, I found that there were no open seats at the tables.  I went into the lounge area and saw a place on the other end of a couch where a guy was sitting, so I sat there.

I am becoming less averse to proximity.  Partly, it's because of my awareness that we are all alone in a crowd anyway. Allowing one's self to be physically close acknowledges this because there is no impulse to talk or connect, necessarily.  There is an understanding of the need for space, and that's all.  Coincidentally, I read these lines today:

"Let [the person] who cannot be alone beware of community. Let [the person] who is not in community beware of being alone." -Dietrich Bonhoeffer, quoted by Parker Palmer.

There's being with people, and then there's being with people.  There's geographical distance, and then there's mental distance.  Which one is more real, more powerful?  I say the latter.

Every person is important

I just got back from Turkey last night, so I woke up late. I went to a cafe I'm a regular at for lunch before going to work and gave the mother and daughter who run it ceramic magnets from Iznik.

Both of their faces lit up, obviously very happy about receiving their gifts. Gifts are a great way of showing appreciation. I do appreciate them very much. Their delicious food and good conversation have helped me keep my sanity during long days of reading and writing.

Emotional sustenance can come from a wide variety of relationships and interactions, not just from immediate family or close friendships. Truly, every person is important.  Every time there is an interaction, there is an opportunity to feel gladdened. 

Dinner with friends. . problem solving my way?

Last night I saw a dear friend, for the first time in a long time.  She and her husband walked in to the restaurant.  I had just started eating so it wasn't too late for them to join me in a meal.

I had been at a workshop that day on how to be the best boss. I discovered through an exercise that my way of managing conflict is mainly three approaches: a) force a solution; b) avoid the conflict completely, or c) problem-solve with the interested parties.  I scored a zero on "smoothing" which is what many of my colleagues scored high on.

My friend laughed and said it was because I'm "half European."

Let love rule.

This morning I went walking.  I feel disgusted with my depression of yesterday. . .needed to shake it off, get myself right with myself and the world.

The first person I saw was my awesome property manager, who always has something to share, or some kind of compliment for me.  He told me he was going to see Annie at our neighborhood theatre.  He would go despite the annoyingly high number of kids that would be there.  We both agreed it was worth it for the great songs.  I actually saw that play when I was an annoying kid, on Broadway, many years ago.  The sun'll come out! Tomorrow! Bet your bottom dollar. . .

Then I went to the park down the street which is a topiary garden.  There is a special place in my heart for topiaries because my uncle was a gardener who specialized in them.  His yard had two hilariously big ones on either side of his driveway (these are bushes made into sculptures with wire and other techniques).  He also had a spectacularly large Cadillac El Dorado with checkered seats.

I read on a sign where one can stand to view the park from the same angle as the painting it was designed after, Seurat's "Apres-midi Demanche dans l'Ile de la Grand Jatte" There was a man standing there.  In the past I would have avoided the closeness, but nowadays I do what I want to do.  He said "Hi" then struck up a conversation (Kudos to him - not easy).

In the end we traded emails. Interesting where/when interactions can happen, if you're open.  I was reminded that if I want love I need to live love, to be love.

Life sucks.

My friend just cancelled on me at the last minute.  She can't help it, but it still sucks.  She was going to pick me up so I could clear out a whole bunch of stuff like recycling, old books, items for Goodwill.  I don't have a car, so it would have been a great favor for me.  For me, actions are "the language of love."

I would like to feel cared for, like there are people in my life I can count on.  The only people I feel that way about are at work.  I put my energy into my professional life, and it shows.  I need a personal life, bad.

I know I'm not alone in being alone - everyone is sucked into a whirlwind of busy-ness with work, kids, education. . trying to get ahead.  My close friends live far away, or are tied up with their own lives so I rarely see them.  I'm tired of trying to get ahead.

What is the point of doing all this great stuff in my professional life if I have no one to share it with?

Sad. Yes, I get bummed sometimes.

Happy place, compliments. . .letting go

My sister is starting a leadership program, and one of the ways she's kicked it off is to ask people to spend 7 minutes in joy at the same time.  So yesterday at 2:30 EST all the people participating did whatever they needed to do to for that purpose.

I was at the office.  I looked at my computer screen (I almost said clock, but who looks at those anymore?), saw that it was 2:30 so I split.

I jumped into my happy place mentally and walked down the street to get a coffee. All the while I was keeping "my happy place" a top priority.  I thought about buying a stranger his or her coffee, even.  But I'm a bit tight on funds at the moment, so I didn't do it (the thought didn't make me totally happy).

My bank is in the coffee shop, so while I was waiting for my cappuccino, I went to the teller to get some money (always uplifting). I went to my favorite teller.  She worked in the coffee shop prior to working there, and has always been a beautiful uplifting person to talk to when I'm there.  She had a pretty shirt/sweater combination on so I told her and she shared that she had thrown her clothes on in the dark that morning.  I was like wow, you look great.  She's like, well, you can't see the rest of my outfit (because she's sitting behind the counter). . .you, know it's funny how hard taking a compliment can be!  We like to self deprecate.  I've been working on not doing that, but I find it hard, too!  Especially when the compliment is coming from someone who I would like to like me. . .

Why is it that hope is scary? Why do we crush it down?  Disappointment, I know.

Why do we really get disappointed, though? Is it that we don't get what we want?  No.

Wanting things generally leads to getting them, just not always in the way were were expecting them to come.  I've had the idea for a long time that God is looking out for me, that he/she always comes through, but that I can't tell him/her how to make things happen for me.  I have to trust.

Well. . .the same thing is true for my fellow men and women.  The process of learning to let go of the need to control, to specify how something is done, has been powerful.  I am still learning.  Sometimes my ego gets in the way when I let myself believe: Oh, this one is high-stakes.  I really want this person to be my friend, to continue interacting with me, to take care of me, to let me take care of them.  Yada, yada, yada.

Let go!

Let go!

Let go!