What is wrong with me?

"Maybe that's OK with you. . . "

"No, that's not OK with me!" I said. "I prefer to file my emails, but sometimes I am just doing some clean - up. Anyway, let's not talk about me. We said we weren't going to judge?"

The presenter went on and explained the pros and cons of dragging your emails directly from your inbox to your archive file.

My colleague felt so bad after my outburst she came up and apologized.  I also apologized because I knew I had been overly-sensitive. Then we had a good conversation about email.  What a pervasive feature in our daily lives it is - I am so tired of it.

I feel so guilty for lashing out at her.  What is wrong with me?

I was just in the neighborhood. . .

It was well past the normal lunch hour, but I was hungry.  I also needed a break from the presentation I had been working on.

I started walking toward the bus an I realized how close I was to a friend of mine who lives near that coffee shop. I thought: well, I'm sure he's eaten lunch already. . figuring there was no point in calling.

But! I have started taking more initiative in relationships.  They take continual care and attention - even just a call to ask if someone is available creates some small connection and all of these add up to a strong one. These are what matter in life.

So, I called and left a message, and he texted me back before listening to the message.  I had left a somewhat complicated message, but my text was simple - "I 'm hungry and in your 'hood. Wanna have lunch?"

He had eaten lunch but he was relaxin' on his back porch and invited me to join him.  I picked up some food at the grocery store and did just that.  The sun was out, the air smelled good, and his cat was chasing birds.

All felt right in the world.

When the temptation to dismiss religion arises

I felt like telling them that years ago someone I knew was robbed at gun-point at that gas station.  My colleague and his wife were shot to death in this neighborhood in 2008, as well.  But, they were having their own conversation.

I got off the bus and decided to continue down the alley which aligns with that particular bus stop. I still didn't have the way to my friend's apartment memorized - it had been 20 years since I frequented this neighborhood.  This alley sparked something in my memory, though, so I decided to follow it in hopes some other clues would present themselves.

I walked past the houses in the neighborhood, which was quiet - no one seemed to be out.

That is until, I heard somebody shout, from behind me. "Hi!!!" A male voice, aggressive, questioning.

I turned around and saw several men on the front porch and yard of a house I had passed by about 15 yards ago.  I knew if I ignored them, they would probably harass me with more questions, so I simply shouted back "Hi" turned around, and kept walking.

Shortly after that, I saw the spires on the roof of my friend's building, peaking over the houses in front of me. A wave of relief washed over me - I was almost there. I had also been relieved to see a church, with cars in the parking lot, soon after the "Hi" incident.

Church has a whole new meaning in poor, high crime areas - they are safe havens.  That is something to keep in mind when the temptation to dismiss religion arises.

Are you open? No.

I heard the door open and a voice say: "Are you open or what?" 

The very simple and firm answer was "No." But it wasn't said with any anger. 

The man barged in and said again: "Are you open or what?" 

"No we're not. How can I help you?" 

"I'm looking for a biography."

"A biography of whom?"

"Hitler."

He then proceeded to give him instructions on how to get to another book store, very patiently. I admire his manner.  But I thought: I probably would have taken no for the answer the first time, and not gotten help. I thought the man was rude, but he got the help he needed, so perhaps he's in the right.

Yet, I liked the way the bookstore owner said "No," too. Without any hesitation.  

Life is a journey, and making one's way through it may take compromises along the way if you want it to be harmonious. Negotiation also seems to be a key skill in relation to communication.  

Observation of a man on the bus and his plight

"I don't know. People are different here. They don't want to talk to you."

"I know. You don't have to tell me!"

The first one is a loquacious man who seems to ride the bus a lot, or I happen to be on the bus with him by coincidence.  He is not one of the regulars who I see on my way to work, but randomly.

They went on to discuss a problem he'd been having with a woman.

"I mean, we weren't in a relationship."

"OK. Do you have a job? A J. O. B.?"

"No I don't, Ma'am."

"There you go.  Some people don't want to hear the truth, but I am going to say it."

He had also mentioned that he heard voices on the bus saying she was betraying him, or something like that.  The two discussed relationships for the entire bus ride, that and the problem with Columbus people wanting to stay to themselves (I was thinking, "That's right!").  She analyzed his problem and suggested that the women he was "just friends" with may have been afraid of her boyfriend, but didn't want to tell him that's the reason she was keeping her distance from him. "It don't work like that!" she emphatically stated.

I remember on another bus ride the same man talking about women.  He said "They like to be pampered."

Because he has transmitted his inner thoughts so constantly and completely on the bus, I feel like I have gained some knowledge of his worldview, particularly in regard to women.

• Desiring their loyalty (though not able to admit that).
• Not seeing his lack of a job a particularly relevant factor by insisting that "It wasn't a relationship (which he repeated to the lady several times."
• Seeing women as needing a lot of time, care, resources (for the pampering).  

I feel like these are actually commonly held perceptions, particularly among men, or among those with a very traditional worldview.  Also, the defense mechanism of denying there was a desire for a relationship somehow releases him from the obligation to better himself - very interesting. . .