A new longing.

"I have a new kind of longing. As I've matured, I've developed a longing for community, much in the same way I used to long for romantic relationships."

I had the bravery to say this out loud. Yes, bravery. One doesn't speak from the heart like that on a whim - unless one is putting a bit of performance on.

I just had the most amazing opportunity to speak my heart, and listen to the heart of this woman. I was at a retreat on the Art of Hosting for three and a half days, and every interaction was amazing! I attribute it to the listening and mindfulness and open ways of being that we were all learning together.

And, yes, it's once again my birthday! Seems very appropriate as I envision myself as a butterfly, emerging from its chrysalis.

Not the end. . .new beginning

Stepping Stones and Milestones is prodding me to write something on it. It's been over two months now since my last post.

Yet. . .I still hesitate because I feel the need for something new, a new way to share my life with the world. 

So, I believe an era has come to an end. . . and at the same time I sense a new gestation has already begun.

I recently bought web space, and am deciding on how to organize a web site with multiple places for these updates. After all. . I tweet, I have a dating blog, I share multiple forms of content and am hatching something new that will be powerful . .perhaps a little shocking, even. 

So. . .I will keep you posted, and I have set a date for my new beginning - December 15th, 2013

What is wrong with me?

"Maybe that's OK with you. . . "

"No, that's not OK with me!" I said. "I prefer to file my emails, but sometimes I am just doing some clean - up. Anyway, let's not talk about me. We said we weren't going to judge?"

The presenter went on and explained the pros and cons of dragging your emails directly from your inbox to your archive file.

My colleague felt so bad after my outburst she came up and apologized.  I also apologized because I knew I had been overly-sensitive. Then we had a good conversation about email.  What a pervasive feature in our daily lives it is - I am so tired of it.

I feel so guilty for lashing out at her.  What is wrong with me?

I was just in the neighborhood. . .

It was well past the normal lunch hour, but I was hungry.  I also needed a break from the presentation I had been working on.

I started walking toward the bus an I realized how close I was to a friend of mine who lives near that coffee shop. I thought: well, I'm sure he's eaten lunch already. . figuring there was no point in calling.

But! I have started taking more initiative in relationships.  They take continual care and attention - even just a call to ask if someone is available creates some small connection and all of these add up to a strong one. These are what matter in life.

So, I called and left a message, and he texted me back before listening to the message.  I had left a somewhat complicated message, but my text was simple - "I 'm hungry and in your 'hood. Wanna have lunch?"

He had eaten lunch but he was relaxin' on his back porch and invited me to join him.  I picked up some food at the grocery store and did just that.  The sun was out, the air smelled good, and his cat was chasing birds.

All felt right in the world.

When the temptation to dismiss religion arises

I felt like telling them that years ago someone I knew was robbed at gun-point at that gas station.  My colleague and his wife were shot to death in this neighborhood in 2008, as well.  But, they were having their own conversation.

I got off the bus and decided to continue down the alley which aligns with that particular bus stop. I still didn't have the way to my friend's apartment memorized - it had been 20 years since I frequented this neighborhood.  This alley sparked something in my memory, though, so I decided to follow it in hopes some other clues would present themselves.

I walked past the houses in the neighborhood, which was quiet - no one seemed to be out.

That is until, I heard somebody shout, from behind me. "Hi!!!" A male voice, aggressive, questioning.

I turned around and saw several men on the front porch and yard of a house I had passed by about 15 yards ago.  I knew if I ignored them, they would probably harass me with more questions, so I simply shouted back "Hi" turned around, and kept walking.

Shortly after that, I saw the spires on the roof of my friend's building, peaking over the houses in front of me. A wave of relief washed over me - I was almost there. I had also been relieved to see a church, with cars in the parking lot, soon after the "Hi" incident.

Church has a whole new meaning in poor, high crime areas - they are safe havens.  That is something to keep in mind when the temptation to dismiss religion arises.

Are you open? No.

I heard the door open and a voice say: "Are you open or what?" 

The very simple and firm answer was "No." But it wasn't said with any anger. 

The man barged in and said again: "Are you open or what?" 

"No we're not. How can I help you?" 

"I'm looking for a biography."

"A biography of whom?"

"Hitler."

He then proceeded to give him instructions on how to get to another book store, very patiently. I admire his manner.  But I thought: I probably would have taken no for the answer the first time, and not gotten help. I thought the man was rude, but he got the help he needed, so perhaps he's in the right.

Yet, I liked the way the bookstore owner said "No," too. Without any hesitation.  

Life is a journey, and making one's way through it may take compromises along the way if you want it to be harmonious. Negotiation also seems to be a key skill in relation to communication.  

Observation of a man on the bus and his plight

"I don't know. People are different here. They don't want to talk to you."

"I know. You don't have to tell me!"

The first one is a loquacious man who seems to ride the bus a lot, or I happen to be on the bus with him by coincidence.  He is not one of the regulars who I see on my way to work, but randomly.

They went on to discuss a problem he'd been having with a woman.

"I mean, we weren't in a relationship."

"OK. Do you have a job? A J. O. B.?"

"No I don't, Ma'am."

"There you go.  Some people don't want to hear the truth, but I am going to say it."

He had also mentioned that he heard voices on the bus saying she was betraying him, or something like that.  The two discussed relationships for the entire bus ride, that and the problem with Columbus people wanting to stay to themselves (I was thinking, "That's right!").  She analyzed his problem and suggested that the women he was "just friends" with may have been afraid of her boyfriend, but didn't want to tell him that's the reason she was keeping her distance from him. "It don't work like that!" she emphatically stated.

I remember on another bus ride the same man talking about women.  He said "They like to be pampered."

Because he has transmitted his inner thoughts so constantly and completely on the bus, I feel like I have gained some knowledge of his worldview, particularly in regard to women.

• Desiring their loyalty (though not able to admit that).
• Not seeing his lack of a job a particularly relevant factor by insisting that "It wasn't a relationship (which he repeated to the lady several times."
• Seeing women as needing a lot of time, care, resources (for the pampering).  

I feel like these are actually commonly held perceptions, particularly among men, or among those with a very traditional worldview.  Also, the defense mechanism of denying there was a desire for a relationship somehow releases him from the obligation to better himself - very interesting. . .

Feeling comfortable enough to discuss my thighs

I was telling my boyfriend that I want to take up cross country skiing, and one of the reasons is that it works out one's butt and thighs.  He just sent me a picture of one of the machines at our gym that is supposed to simulate it.  How nice of him!

There was a time when the subject of my butt and thighs was so painful, I wouldn't bring it up with anyone.  I would avoid the general subject of the hip area.  In fact, I still get a bit of a sinking feeling thinking about all the comments, some with very good intentions, that I have received over the years about my hips.

I am now to the point where I like my body, overall. This is good.

I also have a boyfriend who makes me feel good about the way I look, but is also honest.  Even better.

Life is good!

What kids know about love

I was standing at the end of the hallway, fiddling with the lock on my friend's apartment door, which was seemingly impossible to move with the key he gave me.  So, moving in and out of his doorway as I experimented with different key positions, and noted their effect on the inside lock mechanism, I noticed a little one looking at me fixedly and talking to his Mom about me.  He was asking her questions about what I was doing, no doubt.

I looked at him, but I'm not sure if he could see me smile as he was quite far away, in the lobby at the end of my hallway.  Then, I gave up on the lock.  I was able to lock the top one, so I decided to just leave it at that, and go get some food.  I turned around and he still looking at me.  Hi! he said, and I responded Hi! Then as his Mom beckoned him, he turned to go and then turned again to wave and say "bye!" I smiled and said bye while waving.

Kids can really make you feel good. When they recognize or remember you, it really feels awesome (thinking about other kids I know). what is it about kids?  I think they still know how to speak the language of love, simply because they speak from the heart.

A lesson in rank. . .not everyone upholds it

"I know you!" He said, inquisitively. I was thinking, well. I definitely know you, but everyone does because you are our key note speaker and a rock star professor!

I really felt shy (perhaps for the first time in my life!).  I didn't know what to say, so I paused for a moment. Then regained my composure (well. . .not sure about that), and said "We met at the so and so conference in D.C."

"You spoke about how your center engages with local cultural communities to raise funds."

"Oh! Yeah, yeah yeah."  Then he chatted me up and little bit, and my boss saw we were talking so he came over.  In a way I felt rescued, but in a way I wished I could figure out what I wanted to ask him.

After all, he had been my suggestion as the key note for the conference. Yes, me.  One of the "little people". Or. . one of the most influential. The second is probably closer to the truth, although I have no authority or political power.  This professor certainly didn't doubt my worth due to my so-called position.

What is rank? what is power?

I can dance. . . Therefore I should. . .

"How many of you consider yourselves dancers?"

I, along with what I think I remember as most others in the room, raised my hand. It's not that I think of it as my profession, or even something I have a lot of skills in, but I can dance!

"good!" He said. "You are alive!"

When the troop asked us to come up and join them, I waited for one of them to invite me specifically. But no one ever made it to my table. That didn't stop one of my colleagues! She sauntered on up there, already moving on her way.

I really admire that. What a fun person!

Time on Earth is so short, why not make the most of any opportunity to dance?

Encouraging faces. .difficult teaching

"We teach not only about the Middle East, but about the diversity of America." I paused feeling a bit of fear as I thought about my recent exam (which I am retaking because what I turned in was 'unsatisfactory').

"I sometimes have a hard time differentiating between the multicultural education aspect of what we do and global education aspect. But it's important to keep those separate."

I felt scared they'd see me as an ignorant white woman trying to engage with race and not getting it. Then I made eye contact with some very encouraging faces. Domestic equity is the focus on multicultural education, which makes it important to not conflate it with global education.  

"Work like this gives us a phenomenon to point to, to show how prominent stereotypes really are." I continued.  "Further the media points to an issue that really draws those two fields together, which is representation.Our knowledge base of the Middle East is informed by, even constituted by, a large number of images and concepts perpetuated in popular entertainment."

Never doubt your ability to make a difference just by looking someone in the eye and smiling.  

Yer never too old ta learn!!

"I just want to graduate before I turn forty." I said, voice trembling.

"No. . .don't worry." My adviser said. "I talk to so many at the refugee center who look at me and say, "If only I had been like you. If only I had started my education young. Then I try to tell them they have lived lives full of rich experiences, they shake their heads. But, it's never too late."

I could have taken that two ways: a) confirmation that yes, I will be one of those people who will have to say "you're never too old to learn!" when I tell people that I am working on my PhD in my forties (Hell, No!); or, b) that, yes, I have lived a life full of rich experiences, and this will only add more to them.

I, obviously, choose to interpret his words the latter way.