Mate vs. life partner

My friend finds the term "life partner" cheesy. He says I need to find a mate.

After all, a relationship ending does not equate to failure.  On the contrary, it means you have learned what you needed to and it is time to move on.  So if this is true, then looking for that rare person who can provide a lifetime of learning, and keep you engaged physically, hmmmn. . needle in the haystack?

Perhaps he's right.

Thank you, you jerk! Seriously. . .

I got a call the night before last which I have been complaining about. This guy rubbed my ego the wrong way. But, I have to say, he gave me some important information. The key piece, within a much larger arrogant discourse about his specialness, was that I seemed indifferent to him. Something clicked when he said that.

When I become uncomfortable, I disengage. This could be because I don't want to argue, but it can also be when I don't want to get hurt. He said I seemed "to have a picket fence around me" and I "showed a card board cut-out of myself to the world." Nice. That's a lot to say to someone you've only just met! However, I must admit, very perceptive.

I have admitted freely that I perform. In different contexts, social, cultural, interpersonal, I behave differently.  This is a way of responding to different environments, a way of being fully engaged with the different individuals and groups with whom I interact. In a way I am more 'real' by functioning this way than if I was artificially 'real', or tried to be the same, no matter what social context I find myself in.

I think that guy has had the unusual experience  (or privilege, to be precise) of not having to change according to social context.  He sees the world very individualistically - everyone is unique and needs to be "totally open with everyone," as he said he was.  Well, that isn't as easy for everyone.  We all have histories that should be honored for how they have shaped who we are now, reserved or "totally open."  Neither way of being makes one wrong. 

But, I thank him.  He shared very honestly what he thought about me, and how I made him feel.  That is awesome, and I learned from it.  I want to be more open and giving emotionally - he made me aware of how quickly I can go into a mode where I am not that way.  No wonder people don't always respond to me the way I would like - what you get is what you give.  .  .

Confidences turn a colleague into a friend

I had lunch yesterday with someone who, after what we discussed, I must say is a friend. It is amazing how disclosure will transform your thinking about a relationship.

While our purpose was purportedly a business meeting, we both went into it with the holiday duldrums and a bigger desire to catch up with this great colleague we've known through recent collaborative projects.

How did it happen? I can't remember what we were talking about, exactly, but the conversation had gone in the direction of love and relationships.

I reflected on how crazy I had become toward the end of my relationship with my exhusband. He hadn't been working for sometime, and he wasn't responding to my requests that he get a job. Finally, I decided to do something that would get my message across, clearly.

At six O'Clock in the morning, during the time I was getting ready for work, I stood at the bottom of the bed where he was sleeping. Then I firmly grabbed a swath of our comforter, and ripped his cover completely off of him. Then I said, "I want you to get a job! Today. I want you to get a job today. Today!"

Wow! I can't even imagine doing that to someone now. Yet at the time, it seemed perfectly logical. Desperate times call for desperate measures, was my thinking.

In sharing that, and the background behind it, with a person who can relate from her similar life experience, helped me to see how far I've come since that day. Especially due to the laughter we both had about it.

And thus, an excellent colleague now has become, in my mind, a dear friend.

Death, play, love. . . living for today.

I woke up to a delightful conversation with my five-year-old cousin and my uncle.

As my uncle and I were drinking coffee, they were both looking through all of the goodies for sale at Target, Toys-Are-Us, and what-not - my uncle was urging him to decide what he wanted for Christmas.  An avid video-gamer, he started listing the names of video games and their heroes, Mario, Sonic, and others - then he read out the name "Death."

"UUh what was that one?"

"Death."

"Um" I said "That's not a game." - a bit puzzled.  My uncle said, "Yeah, that's the end of the game." I said, "Game over!"

My cousin explained what it entailed: killing vampires and zombies, basically.  Which is exactly what he and his brother and I played last night.  They would "kill" me with their "blade" (a plastic circle we were spinning across the floor) and I would play "dead."  Then, they would either resurrect me by tickling me, or I would pop up and hiss at them like a vampire.  It was fun.

Death has a way of infiltrating life, doesn't it?

Some say that there is an infinite cycle of life and death, neither one being real.  I say they are as real as we make them.  By either counting down the minutes, days, weeks, and years we have left (living within a framework of death) - or, living in the moment (choosing life).  I choose to live in the moment.

This goes against most common sense.  Particularly, as a women, the belief that I must hurry up and get around to that procreation thing (ie before you get too OLD - which is referring to the DEATH clock ticking, as well).  Sigh.  I wish I could say I didn't care about that, and "Screw you, I don't want to have kids anyway!" to those who repeat those "words of wisdom" to me.  BUT,  I want to fall in love and have a baby, like any average Joan does.  It is profound, that longing. . .

No profound desire is worth throwing away what I've got, though.  I will not be seduced by the serpent in the garden.  I choose living in the moment, flirting and playing, rather than listening to that snake - who is a big fake!

Freedom might not be so hard, after all

The seeming conflict between freedom and love came from my idea that in relationships I must either do what someone wants me to do, or not have friendship/companionship at all. 

I'm starting to look at relationships as being autonomous from the individuals creating them, as having a life of their own.  People surprise and delight me. 

My friend, Kyrsten Kibbey, wrote a poem about experiences with love - here is an excerpt: 

"You want me to be everything

But confess you aren’t giving me all

You have to give.

You won’t leave the garden

Despite the serpent’s deathly venom."

The garden. . .we all want the garden.  We just have to learn the right amount of tending. . . 

Ain't no sunshine. . .gotta bring it, bring more of it

I await my final grade in one class with trepidation. I really wasn't sure what my status was in that class . . .

Ooooh, feeling a little light-headed. Just thinking about it. Why do I do this to myself?

Because I feel as though I have important work to do. 

How arrogant is that? What I really want is to feel joy and share it with others. Perhaps have a companion to share it with. Maybe a few. . .

Well, I do my best to share a little sunshine wherever I go. Maybe If I work on that, focus my attention on that, it'll grow. A beautiful person reminded me of that the other night: don't focus on what you don't want, focus on what you do want.

Maybe my work is my joy. . . just figuring out how to combine the two completely!

Playing, teaching, learning. . .Lila is what I live for!

Friday night I spent the evening drinking wine with a beautiful young man. Life is good!

He picked me up at 10:30, bottle in hand, and we spent the evening talking. At one point I said "It's not easy being green." - and he didn't get the reference. Ha! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he is quite a bit younger than I.

It doesn't make any difference in terms of maturity or wisdom, both of which he's got more of than many people I know who are twice his age.

But the specter of Demi Moore, and her recent debacle with much younger husband, Ashton Kutcher, makes me scared. Then again, Muhammed (PBUH) and Khadija had a similar age difference, but had a spectacular relationship.

Hhmmmn . . .remember what I said a few posts back about not wanting to be the teacher in the relationship? Well, in this case, I love being the teacher because he wants to learn what I have to teach! And I learn plenty from him.

God, are you playing with me again?
Well, bring it on! Lila is what I live for. . .http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lila

Spirituality as beauty. . .come on in Venus. . .

We went to my professor's house after class on Wednesday (yeah, finals week has meant fewer blog posts). It was our last class of the quarter, and we felt like celebrating. It was wonderful to be able to mingle with all the different individuals in the class, I spoke with everyone. It's so rare to find, usually cliques form and you don't get to know everyone. The class was on spirituality, race and dialogue which is also rare. What a joy to be able to think about and discuss things that matter.

Putting spirituality at the center makes a huge difference.  Today a little kid told me he thought I was pretty - inner peace shows as outer beauty. 

One of my new year's resolutions is to invite Venus into my life.  I want my inner and outer experiences to nurture each other.  Eros and Venus, actually. . . I am ready for it!

Post-fitting room trauma vs. girlfriend fitting room victory

I went clothes shopping and actually had fun.

I was secretly dreading it because of the nearly 100% rate of severe depression I suffer post-fitting room.  Just the word "fitting room" makes me want to cry.

In the car on the way there I did a little yogic breathing to banish the dread.  I was like: "OK Ujay breath for victory in shopping." and commenced breathing like Darth Vader.  My friend's like, "Oh yeah. We'll be successful." She had total confidence. It made me want to woman up.. . instead of being a whiner. . .

She went right to work, seeking pieces she thought would work.  I poked around a little myself, lazily, and without much direction.  Then, we went to the fitting room - she stationed herself outside while I put stuff on, and went out to show her. Her feedback was honest when an item didn't work so well, and she went wild when I came out in something bold and feminine.  Out of my comfort zone, so I would ham it up and do the runway walk.

I ended up with a few sexy yet professional outfits and an awesome coat.  More importantly, I felt good, happy about myself, and NOT depressed.  A red letter day.

Letting go of friendships, the seeming loss of love

"Don't say 'Go away' if your heart is saying a wise 'I forgive.' Don't say 'I forgive' when your heart is saying a wise 'Go away.'" -Paulo Coelho's Facebook post of 11/16/2011

"If everybody loves you, something is wrong. You can't please everybody." - Paulo Coelho's Facebook post of 11/17/2011

These both connected to what I have been experiencing over the past week.  A friendship has been quite tumultuous, at least on his part.  Over the years, he has occasionally had 'outbursts' about me not calling him - ones not really appropriate for a friendship, seeming more like a spurned lover.  He gets upset and I end up talking to him at length about how he feels, and promising to call him, or email him, or whatever.

I am so tired of emotionally manipulating men, and my own stupidity in not trusting what my heart says about them.  I finally asked him: "What are your intentions toward me?" He was like: "What? do you think I have romantic intentions toward you?" God! Hello?  If you don't realize that can happen, in general, and address it as an adult, you are not an adult.  Oh well, a lovely person, but there are other lovely people out there. Sometimes it's better to let go of a friendship.

This is ultimately the tragedy of human existence - why must we lose friendships?  Why must children be born to married couples who lose their friendship? Why must we be deprived of love?

Old Friends

I spoke to a friend for the first time in a couple of years.  We were kind of nervous - ie we both asked how are you? twice. .

Then he was like. . [pause] it's been a long time since the last time we spoke.  Yes! I said, because the last time I saw you I was still living with my then-husband.  So. . at least since 2008.

He gave me a couple updates, and I filled him in on my marital situation.  Then, we decided to have coffee on Sunday.  He is an important person in my life - I spent almost every evening with him in High School.  We went through a lot together. . he has a lot of dirt on me, I on him. . heh, heh. . .

When someone asked me if I had any male friends who hadn't been lovers, he was the first who popped to mind. I am excited to see him!  There is something about history that provides an opportunity to heal, to say - OK, you know my roots, but here is where I am now. . . I can face my past, the good and bad of it, as the way I needed to get to here.  I wonder if he's feeling the same way?

Makes me think of Simon and Garfunkel's "Old Friends"

Walking wounded, Fortress of the Heart

We held a concert over the weekend and my job was to take care of the musicians. It was a pleasure. We had great conversations.  Someone asked me what I thought about the Penn State rape scandal. I said that there were victims of sexual abuse all around us. The problem is we are so afraid of sex, we don't say anything.  I feel like so many of us are "walking wounded," due to rape and other types of violation.  

Thich Nhat Hanh talks about a fortress that only trusted ones should be allowed to enter, using the "forbidden city" as a metaphor.   This refers to the heart, but he also notes that there are certain parts of the body which should not be touched unless there is total love.  

As a part of the concert, it was my honor to read a selection from Rumi's Mesnavi in English - someone else recited in Persian before me.  This quote speaks of the longing which sometimes can lead us to allow our fortress walls to be violated:

"Listen to the reed how it tells a tale, complaining of separations -

Saying, 'Ever since I was parted from the reed-bed, my lament hath caused man and woman to moan. 

I want a bosom torn by severance, that I may unfold (to such a one) the pain of love-desire.'

Everyone who is left far from his source wishes back the time when he was united with it." 

The longing is really the desire to be returned to your state of oneness with God. It is a desire for healing. 

Having the floor, sharing the floor

I gave a talk on intercultural difference to an audience of Army officers on Sunday.  A Colonel happened to be sitting in and he shared his experiences of Afghanistan with the group.  The stories he told were perfect segues to the key cultural concepts and information I had wanted to convey.  He also said I did a good job and I thanked him for his input as well

I am coming to a place where I appreciate having the floor, but am equally glad to share it.  It used to be that I would feel a huge amount of anxiety with "lecturing" and public speaking.  It is a real test of confidence.

Giggling is the spice of life

I've had some good laughs over the past 24 hours.

Yesterday, I recounted the story about the time we were doing catharsis in with my yoga group - it entails overcoming social restraints on emotion so there can be a lot of yelling - and the neighbors called the cops!! Ha! I hadn't thought about that in a long time, and it really made me laugh. One of my yoga buddies had yelled "Let me out of this nightmare!!!" at the top of her lungs.  Ok, I'm almost crying with laughter now. . .shoot.

I was downtown to see everyone in their costumes last night.  While waiting at a cross walk a guy in a tela tubby (it makes me laugh while I write this), looked me straight in the eye and said, "How you doin'?"  I couldn't stop laughing and neither could he - it was fun.

Just now, I was "talking" to my friend on line and he makes me laugh in this one certain way - maybe it's me sort of mimicking his laugh?  But he truly makes me lol, not just ha ha ha.  He has this way of verbalizing what he finds funny about something that is so excellent.

Damn.  I love to laugh, makes the tears just disappear. . .

Boundaries and trueness to self

Boundaries.  I've been using this word a lot.  Trying to drill it into my own head. . .

I'm just a girl who can't say no. Last night, I got an unexpected invite.  Something I find hard to resist.  Spontaneity turns me on, what can I say?  He asked me to go to a place I hadn't been before - another enticement. So. . although I was nursing a cold, and had reading to do. . I said sure!!!

What would have happened if I would have asked for a rain-check? I wonder.  

And it makes me wonder. . . 

What would I/you go to the mat for?

We've been talking about a lot of high-falutin academic theory about race and spirituality in one of my classes.  It has been liberating, therapeutic even.  But, the truth is, these ideas will be tested - not in the class as much as out of it.

I was wondering about this, but thinking about it mostly in academic terms; i.e., how will my writing be received  by those who operate from very different, and more dominant, paradigms? Should I even bother with academia? A large part of me says F that - I'm going to start my own school, which may not have walls and will be focused on experiential learning.  However, I like having a paying job (money is good!), so I may pursue some sort of professorship once I get my degree in order to do "my work" in a less risky situation.

But beyond these so-called "plans" for my life (who the hell cares - I don't have control over my life!!), what really matters? What would I "go to the mat for" - as my professor asked?  What immediately comes to mind is that everybody deserves: food, shelter, water, education and - BEAUTY.  I would be willing to fight, maybe even die, for that.  I also feel that everybody is entitled to love, and owes it to themselves to learn how to love and be loved.  Everyone deserves to express their sexuality and be healed of sexual wounds, just as they have the right to celibacy.  So. . .maybe what I want to work for is . . HEAVEN? :-)

You must become as a child to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, trusting, loving, in the moment.

In praise of conflict?

The value of contrast and the tension that can go with it has been an ongoing thread through this blog. Even conflict is something I've almost praised. Well, here is why, but with a word of caution.

Sometimes it comes from pointing out a lack, particularly of something you need but which others would rather not acknowledge. This is sometimes called "speaking your truth.". I like what bell hooks calls "talking back," or denying what is supposed to be "the truth" but is really only the truth for some people. 

Yesterday I did "talk back" to someone in a position of power where I work.  It was scary, but I called him out on what I thought was clearly faulty logic on his part.  He thought that by shaming me in front of "my superiors" he would be effective in getting me to do what he wanted me to do.  A) he copied my boss and several high ranking individuals B) he used a derogatory tone, saying he had "calmed me down" - thus stereotyping me as an "emotional female" C) he made accusations in the email about me D) he complained that my boss had not been involved in our conversations, implying I had gone "rogue" and was "misbehaving," as though I am a child - among other annoyingly inaccurate statements.  

I called him immediately and said "That was a condescending email."  He immediately got defensive saying I had left a "condescending voicemail" for him.  OK.  He considers disclosure of an emotion - my frustration - as being a threat.  My issue is that I don't have time to waste and I needed information and agreement on some aspects of the collaborative project we were working on.  I had been sending out emails with no responses to critical questions, and I hadn't gotten the information I needed.  By expressing this to him, he felt accused.  Whatever.  

So, I let him spew.  Then I explained that the things he thought I was saying were "difficult" were not difficult, they were impossible, and were never going to happen because of grant restrictions.  Also, I truly did not have the information I needed to move forward, even though he thought he had sent enough.  I told him I understood how he felt, but there really wasn't anything I could do.  Finally, he acknowledged that, so I asked him to acknowledge it in a follow up email to everyone, which he did.  Score!  

Then everyone was super helpful because through our online conflict things really got clarified (and. . .I drummed up some sympathy because he looked like the jerk in the situation).  Sometimes it's good to express a "negative" emotion - just be aware of the shit-storm that may ensue if an unenlightened person is involved.  It can be turned into something good, but you can't let yourself turn hateful, which is hard.  

So conflict, as long as the emotional reaction to it doesn't go totally overboard, can actually be beneficial.

Sources: one of the sources for this reflection who must be cited is bell hooks - thank you so much, Dr. hooks, for the notion of "Talking Back."

How honest emotion can create connection

I went to a new coffee shop today, it's just down the street so I was excited to see what it's like.I was welcomed by a young woman as she swept the floor. I asked for a cappuccino and a young man, who turned out to be her brother, come out from the other room and also greeted me.

Just to make conversation, I asked them if they had any plans for Halloween.  He shared that he wasn't going to throw a party because he had too much to do at the store, and told me about his costume last year.   His sister told me about what costumes she was thinking about - they shared a lot, so I wanted to be as open.  I said I hadn't been planning on dressing up but that today I was having second thoughts because I really need to make fun a priority.  I decided to be honest and say I was feeling bummed out right now because I have too much work this quarter which was why.

He asked me where I was going to school what I was doing.  Then he shared a lot of things about himself - the journey toward opening the coffee shop, his love for coffee, that he knows how to roast the beans himself - they have a beautiful roaster right in the shop!  Numerous other things.  His sister flitted in and out, busy with work around the shop, but she inevitably made eye contact with me and asked me questions, so we kept conversing.  I even conversed with other customers who came in!

It is amazing how sharing an honest emotion can open people up to you.  sharing that I was bummed, but listening to what they were telling me about costumes, Halloween, etc, with interest really created an atmosphere of love.  They are obviously loving people, as well.  Told me they have 5 other siblings!  wow - they must have learned a lot through that experience.  . . .

and. . .the cappuccino was delicious.

No need to weed

I stumbled upon a festivity this evening by chance when I was walking to the bus stop.  A little corner store, a boutique with mainly vintage items, had just opened.  I walked through the front door and scanned the room, a woman was looking at me so I made eye contact, and we searched for something to say for probably a millisecond, but it seemed longer.  Then I said, is this your store?  She said, "No! it's my friend's store, let me get her." She came back with a charming woman whose beautiful smile was truly enhanced by her red lipstick.  She said it was their opening party and welcomed me.  I told her I liked "her stuff," which made her smile even brighter, and that the last time I had been in a store with stuff I felt that excited about was back when Puttin' On the Dog was around.  She had never even heard of it - before her time.  I said it was leaning more toward Goth, however, and her place was much more cheerful. The woman next to me commented how this place "has good energy."  It sure did.

I have often wondered what we mean when we say "good energy."  Is it the Feng Shui of a place? Is it "The Force?" Is it simply positive emotions that ricochet between us when we treat each other with kindness?  I think it may be something related to all three, but something more.  That is, feeling good has to do with a certain connection to goodness that isn't rational or according to any formula.  It is enjoyment in the connections we make to people and to God.  I left that place feeling very energized, after her glowing reception of me and the general friendliness of everyone there.  Of course, I was already feeling good when I walked by and couldn't resist the urge to stop in to experience a little festivity - like attracts like.  The "Law of Attraction" spiritual view makes a lot of sense to me.

I have been thinking about me need to spend more time with people who make me feel good, and wondering how to go about vetting people - I think the idea of like attracts like really works with out one needing to "weed out" certain people.  When you're happy, you just annoy unhappy people, right?  When you're feeling good about life, others who also feel good about life want to be around you.

Protest, occupation, love

The day started out with an encounter on Broad and High (the center of our little corner of the universe) with folks protesting at the capitol. It was 7 in the morning, so it was dark. We could barely make out what the structure we saw was. My friend figured it out first: "Occupy Wall Street" protesters.

The woman was cordial and invited us to come under their shelter (a welcome relief from the wind). She explained to us that they had gotten a permit to be there. She said they had a team of lawyers working for them, and that among their projects was finding legal squatting grounds for homeless students.  She said there were hundreds of them. We signed their petition to be able to stay there.  

It was encouraging to see political activism so closely tied to social activism.  Basically making acts of compassion and love political acts.  

Loving, what that means

A colleague of mine is about the same age and we were talking about the pernicious phenomenon of being told we ought to hurry up and have kids.  She said someone told her she should go for artificial insemination, but there was no way in hell she would ever do that. The bottom line for her is that she needs to have someone in the bed she can poke and say "it's your turn, honey." when the baby cries.

Since that conversation, I've been reading "all about love" by bell hooks.  In it she uses love as verb instead of a noun because, while we tend to define love as a feeling, it ought to take place as an action, or an interaction.  She says there are six elements that define love, if one is missing then love isn't possible: caring, respect, affection, responsibility, commitment, and trust.  Without that starting point as a definition, it is very likely that a relationship misses on one or more of those things.

Think about your relationships and ask yourself if you've really been loving!? I feel woahfully inadequate.  In fact, the only place in my life where I feel I'm doing right by people according to those criteria, is at work! How ironic.  Particularly when I think about my past long-term relationships with men, I feel so relieved I am not in those relationships anymore because the way I was in them is not where I want to be!  The happy part is that now I have a direction to follow, and a renewed sense humility and responsibility.

As for having a baby, the truth is that what I really want is love and a baby represents the extension of love between two people. So, I may never have a baby, but that's OK if I gain the ability to love right.

Garden of Eden?

My friend was feeling down, so I gave her a call.  She is going through some really hard times right now and it was important to listen to her and help her sort things out.  She sounded devastated when she first answered the phone, but after I let her spill everything her voice got much lighter.  I appreciated the chance to listen to her and hopefully be of help.  Soon she was joking again, like her regular self.  She then asked me how I was and wanted an update on the men I'm dating.

I gave her the scoop.  Then we started talking about what we want in regard to men.  I joked that at one point I was thinking I should try two at a time. Yeah. . that'll be the day - ha! Actually, I really want one good one, I said. She said she really did too, and she just wanted a successful project in that arena of her life.  She has an MBA so she often frames things in marketing theory, or uses business terms.  I said I really didn't like that term - a project. It sounds stressful, like a job.

I would rather have a garden, I said.  You have to work at it, but unlike a project, it's never done. It would be exciting to watch it change and grow over time, a life-giving place to share with someone.  Exciting prospect, yet scary somehow. . .to really commit like that.

Social justice and spirituality, a necessary unity

In reading Alice Walker and her illustrations of the way interlocking systems of oppression keep us from our spiritual side I think about my own spiritual upbringing.  My mother was/is a seeker and we had a lot pf spiritually oriented self help books around the house.  The focus of most of these was on overcoming our physical selves and becoming aligned with our spiritual selves.  She also had a thing about ”vibes”, particularly in regard to people with “bad vibes.”  I always felt like it was somehow elitist.  I rebelled against it and hung out with rebellious types, tried to be rebellious, and generally questioned this duality put forward as a framework for spirituality: body = bad, spirit=good.  Is the “real” self a sort of liquid poured into the vessel of the body? It didn’t make sense to me.  

Well, like anything else your parents do that you rebel against, you one day come to understand its value.  I now also feel sensitive to “bad vibes.”  All of the suffering people bring with them - it can suck you in, if you let it.  Their problems, their negative emotions can become your problems and negative emotions.  It doesn’t have to be that way, but there is a lot of wisdom in my mother’s awareness of bad vibes and advice to avoid those with them.  I reallly like what Thich Nhat Hanh has to say about these negative emotions, that is, the suffering that people have.  He says “Karuna,” which can be translated as “compassion” has the ability to “transform suffering and lighten sorrows.”  He says the Buddha has a serene smile despite his awareness of immense suffering in the world because he understood how “to take care of it and help transform it.”  I am thankful to my teacher this quarter for allowing me to read such soul-quenching books for my class and to help me come to know why social justice and spirituality are one in the same to me.

Sources: “Teachings on Love” - Thich Nhat Hanh; “We are the Ones We’ve Been Waiting For” - Alice Walker

Interruptions. . .

What is an interruption?  An intrusion? Something, unannounced, unwanted, that stops you from continuing something you were focused on?  Or does something un-pleasurable stop, in which case you're happy about it?

Mostly, interruptions are things we want to control, whether to avoid them, or to make them happen.  We want to avoid them when we are engaged in something "important" so we tell others not to "disturb," or . . .we use them to use them to stop a process intentionally, to control an outcome, as in the famous coitus interruptus. . .

My father's friend, who is a writer, has a sign on his office door which says "I welcome interruptions!"  I always liked this because, there is something so completely welcome about being interrupted from work. An unexpected break can be wonderful.  Then again, it can be the most irritating thing in the world when you're in the zone of full engagement.

I work at home on Fridays, ostensibly to avoid interruptions. Writing takes a level of consciousness, that you can't reach when you're interacting with people. So, today, I reflect on what that means as I get into the zone. . .
hopefully!

Loner, observer, or agile agent. . .?

I went out for about an hour and mingled with random people. Afterward, I spent time with close friends last night. It was much-needed time with them. I was thinking I wouldn't post anything today because there wasn't much to post about without a date interaction, or one of that sort.

Then I asked my self, what is the nature of interaction between one person and a crowd? One aspect is that you notice things when not in conversation with companions. For example, I overheard a young guy say to some pro-Jesus (should I call them protesters? They had signs about Jesus and how to not go to Hell) that he loved "cock." He didn't yell it very loud, just stated it defiantly. Seeing those social tensions at play is really interesting, the qualitative researcher comes out in me. . . now I feel like I know my city a little better, which is good.

I was also reminded that most people are so caught up with their own concerns that they are "in their heads", so they don't notice you, and don't take note you are alone. Or, they are excited to engage with you because you are alone and not talking with someone else. I had a pleasant discussion at a booth that was set up to promote an upcoming event. It was nice to be able to stop and engage without worrying about staying too long (on account of someone I was with). That kind of agility is only afforded to a person on their own. It is more powerful to be on your own because you can focus and learn what you want to learn, make a difference where you want to make a difference.

After being alone socializing is so much richer because you get that needed feedback - it was so nice to be with friends after that. Once again, life on Earth is all about contrasts. . .duality. . .tension. . .

What makes it fun? The idea of injecting play into dating

One of the questions I ask within the eharmony "guided communication" rubric is "what do you think makes long-term relationships successful?" A common assertion from my potential datees is that communication is critical, and I believe this. Without it, what do you have but insane interaction?

But. . .what about fun? I have been on 2 or 3 dates per week since I started my quest, and, I am. . .a little bit worn out! Not that I haven't enjoyed the dates, or been stimulated by them, but. . they are very performative by nature, and performance is hard work! Particularly when the event centers around conversation and "getting to know each other." I want to be my best self for that person and show them a good time - this takes a lot of energy. It takes a lot of focus to listen deeply. These things are beautiful, and I couldn't do without them, but. . I need fun! A little levity.

I feel like there needs to be game you play in dating, banter, or even an actual game. Perhaps sex is just the default expression of this desire. Lila, meaning "play," or "sport," is one of the aspects of becoming a fully realized being. Without this divine ingredient (by which the universe was created, according to some traditions) any activity lacks life somehow, or authenticity.

PLAY - FUN - COMMUNICATION=LIFE - LOVE - COMMUNION

Waiting for reciprocation? Lessons learned. . .

I realized something about my behavior yesterday: I gush at times. Well, I've known that for a long time. I sometimes get starry eyed and want to just express that to someone (exhibit 'a': Love Letter, exhibit 'b': he may be reading this. . .). But I haven't asked myself why.

The intent is ostensibly to show love, but I wonder what I expect in return? We thrive on reciprocation so there must be some request in there. . .

I don't know, but the varying interactions since my dating odyssey began early last month are making me learn about myself. The anger in my previous post had more to do with fact I had broken my own rule and given him my number - not doing that anymore until I meet in someone in person. The pitfalls of eharmony!

Should I call/text? It's easy to tell.

Keeping a balance between kindness and maintaining boundaries can be difficult. I went on a first (and last!) date on Saturday and the guy texted me the next day. That could have been nice if it had been a friendly and no-obligation "thank you." he was just like what's up? I said I was busy and I would text him later. He was really pissed when I hadn't texted him back by the next afternoon, he said "I don't think we're a good match." I said that was fine and he had my best wishes. But. . .that wasn't the last I heard! Sheesh! Word to the wise: don't text or call someone unless you're pretty darn sure they WANT you the call them. Like you say: "I'll call you next week (tomorrow is too soon, people)." and they say: "Awesome!"

Both of you should be trying to decide IF you would eventually commit the the other person. You are not in a "relationship" yet. You are in a beautiful zone of uncertainty and possibility. It is pleasurable - tap into some hedonism and enjoy it!

Going seperate ways can feel good

I ran into a friend/former lover the other day, and as usual, our banter led to a conversation, which led to us spending the evening (just the evening) together.

I told him about this dating thing I've been doing, gave him a recap of the best dates and interesting aspects of my interactions with these beautiful men.

He was impressed and really wanted to know how I was managing not to get attached and pursue the "instant relationship" (which I had with him). I didn't really have an answer except that now I realize that if I decide to be exclusive with somebody it will be a huge gift to them, not one I will give away so easily (as I had with him).

Clearly, we are extremely attracted to each other. I used to think I couldn't resist him. But, it felt great to just spend time together with no need to cling to that great feeling, and go separate ways. A milestone.

"Which way the ship is headed"

I had dinner last night with a great friend who I hadn't spoke with in a while because he moved out of town. It was lovely to see him and catch up, lot's to catch up on! He told me about some major events in his life, and I told him about the break up of my marriage and subsequent goings on, especially the interactions with men.

He liked that I had made up my mind to find my life partner and he is now on a similar track, pursuing celibacy. He said if he was going to take the plunge, it would be for good so it had better be the right partner.

When I told him I was doing eharmony he said he prefers "free-range women," meaning out in the field and not in cyberspace. Ha!

He also said something I really paid attention to- he doesn't appreciate women making sexual advances when he makes it clear that he is not pursuing that. He said it's frustrating that he is trying to do the right thing, but women continue to tempt him to go astray.

Likewise, I have been shocked by how respectful men have been since I have become clear on where I am at on sex; ie I don't want to go there outside of a relationship with longterm intentions.

When I told him that, he said, "yeah well it's nice to know which way the ship is headed."

Penitence and compassion, not guilt

I spoke to my best friend last night, we caught each other up a little with our lives. We barely have time to keep up with the latest updates - both of us have full-time jobs, she has kids, and I am working on a PhD. So. . .I mentioned the idea that maybe I won't have kids, recapped most of what is in my latest blog posts, etc. She was like, you know there is so much to be given to the kids of the world, they need so much.

Very true. There are many opportunities to help raise the kids of the world without having your own. Her kids call me "aunt" as do my little cousins - this is the sort of milestone I am talking about in my blog title. I could certainly be more focused in the way I work and spend time with the kids in my life. I also work with kids for my job, and that is the most exciting aspect - changing the way young people think is a huge responsibility and a huge chance to make the world a better place.

Not to mention, helping the kids' parents! They get so focused on their kids, they forget to take care of themselves - good to remind them to do that. . .and to listen to their latest stories about family, work, life. . .listening is a huge service in my book. Asking the right questions, too. . .ie "What do your instincts tell you to do?". . .then give your take on the situation.

So. . .needless to say, feeling regret at my earlier slam on motherhood. However, I don't feel guilty, just filled with new appreciation for the work and love that goes into it, and the shear difficulty of it. Hoping to help. I have been working out the difference between guilt (which is a negative force in relationships and life), and honest regret. The latter one is positive.

The stories of the Bible have some wisdom on that subject - the prodigal son, and Jonah come to mind first. Particularly, Jonah because it illustrates penitence. That beautiful human emotion speaks to accountability without guilt or self-hate, but love and gratitude. It also leads to the next step of devotion, or an unhesitant desire to serve with love and compassion.

Jonah from the whale's belly:

"What I have vowed I will pay; deliverance is from the Lord."

And God made the great beast spit him onto dry land. . .for which he was grateful - but his penitence had to come first. He also learned about the transformative power of penitence as an observer when he saw the people of Ninevah repent, and gain the Lord's forgiveness. He wasn't expecting that. . .

That is my Sunday morning sermon. . .Amen!

We Are All One

Can hypocrisy ever be avoided? I don't think so, considering the dualistic nature of the reality we experience here on Earth. I just demonstrated the conflict in my own thinking when I talked about "embodying our situations." It is true our experiences shape our appearance. However, by pointing out the situations of others that I don't want to be in, I boosted myself up in thinking I must be in a good one! The very thing I complain about others doing in my "ideal man" page.

I may have slammed motherhood, ever so slightly, but only because I have been regretting not thinking about it seriously when I was young. I honestly didn't mean to make it sound like the motherhood situation is a bad one. I have seen how becoming a parent has softened friends and colleagues in very positive ways. I also happen to have a lot of women friends who are hot mamas (literally and figuratively), and look awesome!! In order to get to the place of appreciating my situation, though, I needed to reject theirs for a minute.

The fact is the differences between our situations are illusory; we are one, all part of the human experience. Cezanne defined a painting as a two-dimensional object covered in paint. We are all depicted in different forms, but ultimately those two-dimensional representations of our lives are only a part of the whole, this canvass of earthly experience.

"Embodying Our Situations"

I recently visited a friend in another city. She is striking, tall, and a natural beauty. She and I are both single at the moment and neither of us have children. While I have felt considerable angst about this, she said something that made me reassess, and appreciate my situation. We were discussing women we knew, in various marital situations who have kids. She was struck by the way we embody our situations. . .that is our appearance reflects the way we are oriented towards life - those of us with children and supportive husbands look sort of young and well-taken-care of, if a little bland. Those of us with more precarious situations also seem to be struggling and fighting others in our words and deeds, and sort of look the part as well.

What do I look like? Well. . .after a few years of working out regularly and cleaning up my eating habits, I look pretty good! Though I certainly continue to work on it. I bought the highest heels I've owned while I was visiting her, a pair of sexy black boots. Of course, I had to break them in as well, and wear them all around the city (ouch).

So, there we were, two attractive tall women. Needless to say, we sort of stood out - it was fun and empowering!

She also mentioned during one of our many conversations that she would sometimes stop herself from charming men into giving her what she wanted (whether a free pass, or a discount, or whatever) she said she felt too ashamed. "That is a shame!" I thought. Why should a woman hold herself back from being her fully charming self? Men certainly don't seem to - make it a fair game at least.

However, tonight, while deciding what to wear for my date, I almost held back from putting on those boots. . .until I thought better of it, and put those babies on!  In the past I would have held back - I never wanted to look like I was trying to impress a man. But when else is there a better time to dress in a way which makes me feel beautiful? Why not "embody my situation?"

I even reapplied my lipstick in the bathroom. This may not sound like a big deal, but it was for me. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed it, and the idea I was being appreciated. Shallow? Maybe...but perhaps I am reflecting the inside of me more completely now.

Being a teacher, finding the right teaching/learning situation in one's relationships

Last Saturday I went to an event for work. My boss was the keynote speaker, and gave a rousing explanation of Ramadan, pertinent to both Muslims and those not familiar with Islam.

Afterward he, his wife and I were talking outside and he mentioned one of the questions he got. I can't remember what it is now, but it was one of those he has probably gotten a million times. I said "Don't you ever get tired of answering that?" He said no it was part of being a teacher. I said "You have more patience than God!" He pointed to his wife and said, "She doesn't think so!" I said well, she's got a different perspective!"

A few days later I was out on a date and the guy joked that I teach about terrorists for a living. I made it clear I was displeased and he got a little defensive. It's not that I haven't heard similar comments, but in a context where I'm the teacher it's ok. With personal connections i need a certain level of understanding in regard to cultures and areas of the world I teach about and study. Or a curiosity about them.

Teaching and learning are fundamental to human interaction. We are constantly teaching and learning from our friends and potential mates. However, I find that I don't want to be in the position to enlighten someone when, not only do they lack knowledge, they are not even curious or desiring to understand perspectives very different from their own.

That said, I went on another date with him yesterday. We went hiking in the woods together for a few hours, plenty of time to talk. I told the story of "The Spider" from the Qur'an when we walked through some spider webs. He seemed to appreciate it - I shouldn't be too judgmental toward him, perhaps. If I changed the way he thinks about Islam, all the better.

And, afterall, we are just dating! It is not as big of a deal in this stage of just having fun. However, I have come to understand stereotypes as serious problems, which lead to hate and oppression. I see that everyone has them - they are a part of the knowledge we inherit. However, as unavoidable as they are, it is important to take responsibility for them.

I clearly need to think about what my needs are with regard to this matter, in any committed, longterm relationship. Especially, if I'm going to live with someone. I want the atmosphere of my home to be a sacred one, free if hateful thoughts words or actions. I want to find a partner who understands this, and who I don't need to teach it to.

I would like someone who would teach me and challenge me to live out my values better, and who would want the same from me. A more even teaching/learning situation.

Problem solving, Foucault style

Foucault talks about power differentials in society and the injustices they create in terms of forces colliding. When two forces come into conflict, one ends up dominating, and the other submitting.

Unless, violence ensues.

The recent riots in London are an example of colliding forces, different values, and conflicting desires. One shop owner called the rioters "feral rats." That is really interesting considering the following quote by Banksy, London stencil graffiti artist:

"Like most people I have a fantasy that all the little powerless losers will gang up together. That all the vermin will get some good equipment and then the underground will go overground and tear this city apart."

That is from his book "Existencilism" which I bought in 2007. Rather prophetic. . .It was written under pictures of his renderings of rats setting off explosives, with the title "The Rat Pack."

Conflict is a part of human life, perhaps it is essential to all life on Earth. Our eyes can't see without the contrast between light and dark. Meaning, at its most fundamental level, can only exist in the difference between two things. Like a bump in the surface of a piece of paper to someone reading braille, it is a difference in the surface the reader feels that conveys a tiny unit of meaning.

That tension of difference is painful, meaningful. . . and beautiful. Can we come to a place where we recognize conflict, difference and tension, learn from it and respond seeking the benefit of everyone?

In any case, avoiding it makes it impossible to resolve it peacefully - a problem which is not recognized will never be solved. . .

Sources: Foucault (Knowledge/Power); Bateson (Mind and Nature); Fanon (Les Damnes De La Terre); Schucman (A Course in Miracles); Banksy (Existencilism)

Hanuman. . .animal/human nature

I went on an awesome date last week. Before dinner he took me to a gallery for some live music, followed by a perusal of the exhibits. The music was definitely unconventional, but hypnotic and very soothing. The first act was hilarious, comprised of random utterances read from a book with responding guitar strums. It was rather enjoyable and kind of tapped into the right brain and its non-linearity. The second performance was transcendental viola that sort of enveloped the ambient din of conversation into its sound.

Having started the evening like that, I was in a sort of alpha wave state of mind. Earlier we had been talking about a piece of his art, which featured Hanuman (a monkey-like God, supposed to be an incarnation of Shiva) with flaming hands. It sparked the memory of a powerful dream, which I shared. It was a bit embarrassing - I was actually sweating by the end of my explanation of my dream - but I felt compelled to share it because if I didn't the memory might escape me.

This dream is really important. I was in a stone mansion with many rooms (obvious self metaphor). I was in a dark room on one of the upper floors, there were women in there but at a distance, sitting, crowded together, on a Chaise lounge. I looked through the window and there was a large gorilla looking from outside, like King Kong climbing up the side of the Empire State Building. Except the gorilla's head was a hand "wreathed in flame."

OK, very odd thing to share with someone you don't know! Well, I only shared the part about the gorilla with the flaming hand head. Then, you'd think I would have dropped it! Nope - when we were talking later, the meaning of the dream came to me and I had to verbalize it to him.

We had been talking about the place of conflict in human interaction and the related topic of violence. There is a place for disagreement and conflict - in fact, I don't think it would be possible to have this world without it, it is fundamental to the experience here. However, there is something I learned from my aforementioned yoga teacher in Switzerland. Animals in the wild deal with conflict by fighting for dominance. Humans do that, too - but we take it a step, or many steps, farther. We go for injury beyond dominance, we go for the kill. Or we manipulate indirectly. We deal with feeling dominated, or oppressed by others, in sick ineffective ways.

The meaning of my dream was that I was embarking on a journey to unite healthy, but primal, animal qualities of my self with the sublime spiritual qualities. Hanuman physically represents this in his human/monkey appearance. There doesn't need to be a dichotomy between those things. Learning to assert yourself, and being OK with acknowledging someone's dominance are key elements of human interaction. Healthy interaction is a part of loving your brothers and sisters on this planet and overcoming the collective illnesses. Amen!

I'm amped up. . is that good?

I have been feeling amped up lately. I am getting on my own nerves. It is as though I can't deal with the idea that, yes! Things are really this good. Or, perhaps, I am afraid I will ginx it if I get too happy about it.

I am going for energized and joyful, not menacing. But I feel that way. . .a bit of an angry edge to my joy. Am I channeling my inner adolescent boy?

I feel unafraid. What have I got to lose? I am realizing. . . nothing! More good stuff continues to come as I find my unique way of helping those around me. Oddly, it mainly has to do with being myself, and being true to myself.

Letting go. . .admitting mistakes

I oversaw the organization of an event last weekend. 3 people came. At least $5000 were invested into the event.

Yeah.

Never doing that again. . .I can salvage it by making the video available, instructional materials, etc. Live and learn, right?

Shit. Not so much. I have been sleepless and stressed all week about it. Not every minute, but whenever I don't have something else to engage in. By the end of the week I was exhausted.

I decided to let go. Everything else at work is going well. I discussed it with my boss, and we decided we needed to go with a different model for these workshops, anyway.

OK, this really sounds like rationalizing - "really, really! It's fine!!!!"

It's not fine, but I'm letting go of it anyway. I made a mistake, took too much of a risk. Now I'll hold myself to making it right. That's it.

I really think that being honest and joyful is the best thing you can do for a person, whether at work or with friends and family. If you make a mistake, just admit it and address it - ask for help in fixing it! Usually it is not nearly as bad when you say it out loud as it had seemed in your own head. My boss was like, "yeah, we need to use a totally different model for that program." Verrry true. . .

"Own your mistakes or they own you." Paulo Coehlo

How to Say "No" - the "Mi Da Gioia?" Test

My yoga teacher, who I practiced with when I lived in Switzerland, used to say we should ask ourselves three times if something gives us joy when we're trying to decide whether or not to do it. Our language was Italian - thus, "Mi Da Gioia?", or "Does it give me joy?" This is still how I say it to myself when I am trying to figure out if I want to do something.

The answer needs to come straight from the heart, and three responses of "yes!" in a row is a definite green light. If you get two out of three, I suggest re-phrasing or asking again with a different permutation on the situation in question. If you can't respond positively, reflecting on it is good.

My friend just asked me to do something I wasn't sure about. I wanted to support her, though, so it was hard to say "No." But the "Mi Da Gioia?" test kept coming out negative. Of course, she not being familiar with that criterion, I had to come up with a reason. It came to me while I was actually talking to her about it. We came to a solution that both of us felt comfortable with it, too. Soooo. . . pre-scripting isn't necessary when you want to say "No." Just do it directly, lovingly.

Male-female dynamics

Last night I received a long-lasting, life-giving, loving bear hug from a man I've been friends with for a few years now after I shared the following theory (just idea I am tossing around). It had an impact on him, and, for all you male readers, I would love to hear how it makes you feel.

The conundrum I mentioned in an earlier post is related to a fundamental problem I have also considered seriously as of late. That is the imbalance of power between men and women on planet earth.

As you know, I am looking for my life mate. So I am simultaneously working on myself, and what kind of a lover/friend/partner I could be. Not to mention, looking better ways to be around men so they love you and want more of you. :-) My friend turned me on to a self help guru named Christian Carter whose focus is mainly on women and how they can improve their relationships with men. His book and CD titles are hilariously cheesy: "Catch Him and Keep Him," "Make or Break Moments with Men," and "Communication Secrets with Men."

The content, however, is nothing to look down upon (ladies!), and is actually quite profound. One of the pieces I was listening to the other day (by his guest speaker Carol Allen) emphasized that men do not react well to being shamed, or to demands. In other words, whatever you do, don't trounce on his sovereignty, because he may comply for a while, but he will resent it and start acting like an asshole, or just leave. AWESOME! That is a great rule of thumb.

But it is also profound if you think about male-female dynamics world-wide. My friend had been complaining about how women are treated poorly in some countries and that he thought that is what is keeping those countries down. This is a cliche (if you didn't know) - which I don't subscribe to because women are kept down here in the old US of A, too. However, he had a very sincere intention when he said it, and something clicked in my mind between that idea and the "dirty little secret" of poverty which is that in many poverty level households the menfolk are drinking (drugging, sexing, etc) away the very little income that it can claim. Part of the success of micro-loans is that they are going to women who tend to spend them wisely (afterall, managing household resources is a part of our genes, right?).

Christian Carter's premise, and I agree with this whole-heartedly, is that a woman needs to engage men using her feminine ability to receive and let them take care of her. As soon as she makes demands, however, or gets offended, emotional, etc., the man becomes disengaged. Does anyone else recognize that pattern? Wow! I see it all around me.

Men in relationships like that, in which they are disengaged, are pretty much blights on society. OK, sorry to be harsh (remember, I did get a bear hug after giving a complete explanation). So, if we are going to get out of this global mess we're in, women need to reclaim their power (are you liking this?). They need to be the leaders, and lead men by showing them how to be healthy in relationships. Women can do this by giving men cues for them to respond to (men are sooo good at that. . .yay, men!), rather than demands, or shaming them. It is also important to verbalize your needs and feelings in an honest, non-blaming way.

I humbly put forward that this may very well lead us away from war, and other forms of tragedy.

In conclusion, although I have had my fair share of confusion (read:vexation) with them, I love men! Men and women are both beautiful.

My commitment, happiness

Oh yeah, did I forget to mention? A few years ago I decided to become a happy person.

At the time, and for many years before then, I had been having health problems and was a generally miserable person.

I had had enough of that person.

I started choosing to be happy all day, every day. So, for example, if I started feeling unhappy at work I would listen to a song that forced me to be happy. A major transgression against my former, serious self! I also started practicing yoga and other activities which give me joy.

I started exploring my creative side more and more. I decided to sing, and a group invited me to chant the Hanuman Chaleesa, which I obviously took them up on.

Wait. . . back up.

About a month after I made the decision to become a happy person, I moved out the house I lived in with my husband. An inevitable result.

Then, I commenced to journal like crazy, get in touch with long lost friends, reach out to all loved ones and apologize for being a shit. You get the idea.

Thennn. . . I began focusing on my creative side. First singing, then I acted in some of my friend's projects and worked on her play, attending inspiring dance performances, next on the list. . painting! And, of course, this blog is my main creative outlet for the next year while I finish my coursework.

So, happiness is actually a commitment. It entails daily micro-decisions as well as overarching life tracks. As I search for my life mate, I am guided by the criterion that he must be someone who is committed to being happy himself, and is willing to commit to creating a happy life with me.

Good Conversation, an energizing interaction

Last night I finally went out with the guy who I was supposed to go to a wedding with on Saturday. It was fun - he made me laugh a lot and vice versa. There is nothing more energizing than that! Particularly when it's an official date, and you both know it's a date. You pay more attention to what you say and how you respond, taking nothing for granted. So, you actually practice mindfulness in that way - a key to happiness.

Love Letter

Dear You-Know-Who:

Perhaps you think I have been overly friendly, showing too much - how much I admire you. And, you would be right to think so!

I show so much affection
and reveal my anticipation
for a thrilling connection. . .

It is right to question how I do so with someone with whom I am not very familiar with in reality. I don't blame you for having a hard time accepting this. Why would you believe I am sincere? or that I actually can be sincere!

Let me explain.

Over the years, I have witnesses some of your unique gifts. Every one has a unique way in which they can teach people, but not everyone chooses to utilize their gift. You are a teacher, not as your official profession, but in the way you interact with people. You share this gift bravely and it makes me proud, and it makes me want to encourage you in everything you do. You may rightly ask if I stop to think critically about what you say? If I question it? Absolutely, and I have a lot of questions. But I have heard enough to know that you are tuned into yourself, your real self, when you are teaching.

Is this a love letter? It is. But it must be understood within the current context. This is not the kind of love letter Juliette would write Romeo. There are no longer socially accepted behaviors for courtship, engagement and marriage . . . that a love letter could refer to and. . . transgress! The women's movement has done a lot of good things-or rather, it is a good thing. But one great tradition it has taken away is courtship, and the ability to show interest in someone without immediate expectations of the infamous, and nebulous, "relationship."

You once asked me, as you came close and looked me in the eyes, "is there something you'd like to say to me?" and there was, though I wasn't able to say it then. Now I can. In this context, with its wonderful freedoms, I say, I am drawn to you. You are one of my tribe. Love? I don't want to speak of it because of the tendency to connect it to so many things which have nothing to do with it. But I just did. . .

How to respond when you're feeling dissed

In my search for Freedom-Love, I am finding it necessary to clear out my toxic thinking and make way for all the good things I want in life. Toxic thinking blocks possibilities, limiting your freedom. Thus, it is diametrically opposed to Freedom-Love.

Yet, we're only human! And. . . we have feelings, which, by the way, are important to share authentically. So, let me give an example to illustrate how to overcome toxic thinking as it happens.

I received a text yesterday from a man my friend is trying to hook me up with (thank you, awesome friend!) - so, I was happy to hear from him and we bantered off and on throughout the afternoon. My friend had told me that there was a wedding he needed to go to, and he would be asking me to be his date. After the text bantering he called me and we discussed said wedding. He was feeling a bit uncomfortable about going, though, for various reasons. I said to just go with his feelings about it and that, as far as I was concerned, we absolutely didn't have to go. We both hung up with the expectation that in the future we would go on a date, but hadn't made any plans. Then, I heard from him today. . .texting that he "was having second thoughts about the wedding," but he wanted to get together soon. I took that to mean he was not wanting to go to the wedding so I said "No problem!" I hoped he was well. . .trying to just reassure him, yet leave the driving up to him as far as what we would do together. He then responded inquisitively, "Umm, ok? :)" so I said "Did you want to do something other than the wedding?" When he said yes, I said "Alright! Gallery Hop?" - which is tonight, and I would have loved to have a date to go with. . . and then there was silence.

Immediately, I interpreted the lack of response as a negative. I started feeling dissed. I don't like feeling that way though, so I figured something must have come up which is why he couldn't text right back. I put my mind on other things. . . an hour passed without me thinking about it. Then, I checked my phone. . .no text, no call.

Right. Couldn't be that something came up, obviously avoiding answering. . .I was vexed. At least I was smart enough NOT to text while vexed (ha ha!). So, again, I put my mind on other things. . another hour passed, and I thought, well. . . I'll just forget about him - no harm done, right? But that didn't sit well with me. Because it left me with the thought that I had been dissed, and that he didn't want to spend time with me. Also, what if I had wanted to go out with someone else, and I was sitting there waiting on his answer? So. . I needed an answer, and that is not too much to ask, I concluded. So I texted: "Sooo. . .we're not on for tonight?" He reminded me that he was going to the wedding. So, I said "AAAAh. . now I get it!" and he apologized. So, we both were able to communicate without losing face.

In the old days, I would have dropped it after his first lack of response, and never known that he just was under a different assumption than me, or was simply trying to figure out a way to say "no" without embarassing me. My brain would have filled the void of knowledge with all sorts of toxic thinking, which I would then generalize to my overall experience with men. I am reprogramming that sort of thinking now, and opening up to a world of possibilities. And. . .remember not to text while vexed.

This is dedicated to Marci - an awesome friend who I spoke to about this incident this evening.

Conundrum: Freedom-Love

Can you have as much love as you have freedom, or do you need to choose one over the other; ie settling down, or giving up your freedom, in order to have love, or long-term relationship. Does love equal a long-term relationship? I think believing this causes one to have a sense of failure regarding their experiences with human connection. This is the fundamental conundrum of life here on earth, and it is insidious.

I am looking for freedom-love. This includes every facet of my life, in every human interaction.

It's the difference between convincing, and persuading; controlling, and motivating; giving with expectation, and loving; being clear about what you need, yet allowing others the freedom to respond the way they want.

I had a hard time last week telling someone that I was frustrated with the situation our project was in. It seemed I had done everything in my power to get it to move forward and it wouldn't budge. I get frustrated thinking about it even now. So, I said I was frustrated, saying "I am at my wits' end." Then I listened - because that statement obviously provoked a response in him. It was hard not to interrupt and I found myself doing it, but I did my best to just let him talk. From listening, I gathered that he had not received the vast majority of the feedback my team had been sending him, or the information he got wasn't enough for him to move forward. I don't know if realizing this really solves the problem, but at least I know now what questions to ask. He also now seems very motivated to get the job done, and was keen on learning about a new project I needed his help on.

I can see the same pattern in my former marriage. I didn't understand why my husband wasn't earning any money, so I took extra jobs, I worked hard at our relationship. The harder I worked the more miserable I became. The conundrum was I couldn't control him. I couldn't make him get a job, make him do house work, make him communicate. All that work was focused on controlling him and our situation - a hellish goal in human relationships. These fundamental ways of seeing human interaction affect all of our relationships. With my life-partner search, and with my seeking happiness for myself, letting go of control and allowing others to act is an important goal.

Putting my heart into it

When I was on vacation earlier this month, I made a resolution that I would start putting my heart into everything I do. This includes dating and seeking my life partner. What I mean by "putting my heart into" it is that I will do it sincerely, and with the expectation that I will succeed. I have always been a Pollyanna, or seemed it in the eyes of others, but I don't find it overly optimistic. Sincerity and weeding out cynicism is only the minimum you can do to grow and become a better person. It is about seeing every situation as part of your learning.

Already, I am getting a lot of support from the people around me. It was scary (I am only human) to put my heart out there and tell everyone I am looking for my life partner, and am currently sooooo single. However, people seem to like it. A couple people have already told me they know a single guy I might be interested in. And, I am getting the attention of my male friends, who are fascinated, and, who knows? some may ask me out!

EHarmony questions don't always have answers

I recently started connecting on line with people through eHarmony. It cost $200 to sign up of 6 months, so it better be worth it. The question is, what would make it worth it? To find the love of my life? I don't know about that. eHarmony doesn't change the fact that one needs to make a good impression in person. I signed up because, with my busy schedule of coursework and full-time job, it seems necessary in order to interact with people frequently. Otherwise, I would interact with mainly the same people everyday.

So. . . anything good in these interactions? The eHArmony system walks you through a sort of "interaction process." Which is good. I've been going along with that process and simply responding to the men that make contact with me, and reaching out to a couple of them. While no hot dates have come out of it (not yet!), there is something valuable in the process itself. The patterns that are emerging in our interactions are interesting, and perhaps instructive. I'm asked by nearly every single guy if I have a sense of humor, and. . .I say "I crack myself up!" They want to know if I am physically affectionate, if I need to feel chemistry on the first date, how I am with money, etc (see some of my answers here). Hopefully, I will have gained more knowledge about my own preferences in dating and relationships by the time the 6 months are up, and I will also have a sense of what is important to men (good to know!).

My birthday wish

It is my birthday tomorrow so I am spending the day reflecting. As a single woman turning 37, considering the fleeting possibility of having a family is unavoidable. In any case, I would like to find someone who I would feel comfortable having kids with - as a basic criterion for the loving relationship I am looking for. So, that is my birthday wish. As a blog dedicated to stepping stones and milestones, I plan to record important activities related to that wish.