In praise of conflict?

The value of contrast and the tension that can go with it has been an ongoing thread through this blog. Even conflict is something I've almost praised. Well, here is why, but with a word of caution.

Sometimes it comes from pointing out a lack, particularly of something you need but which others would rather not acknowledge. This is sometimes called "speaking your truth.". I like what bell hooks calls "talking back," or denying what is supposed to be "the truth" but is really only the truth for some people. 

Yesterday I did "talk back" to someone in a position of power where I work.  It was scary, but I called him out on what I thought was clearly faulty logic on his part.  He thought that by shaming me in front of "my superiors" he would be effective in getting me to do what he wanted me to do.  A) he copied my boss and several high ranking individuals B) he used a derogatory tone, saying he had "calmed me down" - thus stereotyping me as an "emotional female" C) he made accusations in the email about me D) he complained that my boss had not been involved in our conversations, implying I had gone "rogue" and was "misbehaving," as though I am a child - among other annoyingly inaccurate statements.  

I called him immediately and said "That was a condescending email."  He immediately got defensive saying I had left a "condescending voicemail" for him.  OK.  He considers disclosure of an emotion - my frustration - as being a threat.  My issue is that I don't have time to waste and I needed information and agreement on some aspects of the collaborative project we were working on.  I had been sending out emails with no responses to critical questions, and I hadn't gotten the information I needed.  By expressing this to him, he felt accused.  Whatever.  

So, I let him spew.  Then I explained that the things he thought I was saying were "difficult" were not difficult, they were impossible, and were never going to happen because of grant restrictions.  Also, I truly did not have the information I needed to move forward, even though he thought he had sent enough.  I told him I understood how he felt, but there really wasn't anything I could do.  Finally, he acknowledged that, so I asked him to acknowledge it in a follow up email to everyone, which he did.  Score!  

Then everyone was super helpful because through our online conflict things really got clarified (and. . .I drummed up some sympathy because he looked like the jerk in the situation).  Sometimes it's good to express a "negative" emotion - just be aware of the shit-storm that may ensue if an unenlightened person is involved.  It can be turned into something good, but you can't let yourself turn hateful, which is hard.  

So conflict, as long as the emotional reaction to it doesn't go totally overboard, can actually be beneficial.

Sources: one of the sources for this reflection who must be cited is bell hooks - thank you so much, Dr. hooks, for the notion of "Talking Back."