Giggling is the spice of life

I've had some good laughs over the past 24 hours.

Yesterday, I recounted the story about the time we were doing catharsis in with my yoga group - it entails overcoming social restraints on emotion so there can be a lot of yelling - and the neighbors called the cops!! Ha! I hadn't thought about that in a long time, and it really made me laugh. One of my yoga buddies had yelled "Let me out of this nightmare!!!" at the top of her lungs.  Ok, I'm almost crying with laughter now. . .shoot.

I was downtown to see everyone in their costumes last night.  While waiting at a cross walk a guy in a tela tubby (it makes me laugh while I write this), looked me straight in the eye and said, "How you doin'?"  I couldn't stop laughing and neither could he - it was fun.

Just now, I was "talking" to my friend on line and he makes me laugh in this one certain way - maybe it's me sort of mimicking his laugh?  But he truly makes me lol, not just ha ha ha.  He has this way of verbalizing what he finds funny about something that is so excellent.

Damn.  I love to laugh, makes the tears just disappear. . .

Boundaries and trueness to self

Boundaries.  I've been using this word a lot.  Trying to drill it into my own head. . .

I'm just a girl who can't say no. Last night, I got an unexpected invite.  Something I find hard to resist.  Spontaneity turns me on, what can I say?  He asked me to go to a place I hadn't been before - another enticement. So. . although I was nursing a cold, and had reading to do. . I said sure!!!

What would have happened if I would have asked for a rain-check? I wonder.  

And it makes me wonder. . . 

What would I/you go to the mat for?

We've been talking about a lot of high-falutin academic theory about race and spirituality in one of my classes.  It has been liberating, therapeutic even.  But, the truth is, these ideas will be tested - not in the class as much as out of it.

I was wondering about this, but thinking about it mostly in academic terms; i.e., how will my writing be received  by those who operate from very different, and more dominant, paradigms? Should I even bother with academia? A large part of me says F that - I'm going to start my own school, which may not have walls and will be focused on experiential learning.  However, I like having a paying job (money is good!), so I may pursue some sort of professorship once I get my degree in order to do "my work" in a less risky situation.

But beyond these so-called "plans" for my life (who the hell cares - I don't have control over my life!!), what really matters? What would I "go to the mat for" - as my professor asked?  What immediately comes to mind is that everybody deserves: food, shelter, water, education and - BEAUTY.  I would be willing to fight, maybe even die, for that.  I also feel that everybody is entitled to love, and owes it to themselves to learn how to love and be loved.  Everyone deserves to express their sexuality and be healed of sexual wounds, just as they have the right to celibacy.  So. . .maybe what I want to work for is . . HEAVEN? :-)

You must become as a child to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, trusting, loving, in the moment.

In praise of conflict?

The value of contrast and the tension that can go with it has been an ongoing thread through this blog. Even conflict is something I've almost praised. Well, here is why, but with a word of caution.

Sometimes it comes from pointing out a lack, particularly of something you need but which others would rather not acknowledge. This is sometimes called "speaking your truth.". I like what bell hooks calls "talking back," or denying what is supposed to be "the truth" but is really only the truth for some people. 

Yesterday I did "talk back" to someone in a position of power where I work.  It was scary, but I called him out on what I thought was clearly faulty logic on his part.  He thought that by shaming me in front of "my superiors" he would be effective in getting me to do what he wanted me to do.  A) he copied my boss and several high ranking individuals B) he used a derogatory tone, saying he had "calmed me down" - thus stereotyping me as an "emotional female" C) he made accusations in the email about me D) he complained that my boss had not been involved in our conversations, implying I had gone "rogue" and was "misbehaving," as though I am a child - among other annoyingly inaccurate statements.  

I called him immediately and said "That was a condescending email."  He immediately got defensive saying I had left a "condescending voicemail" for him.  OK.  He considers disclosure of an emotion - my frustration - as being a threat.  My issue is that I don't have time to waste and I needed information and agreement on some aspects of the collaborative project we were working on.  I had been sending out emails with no responses to critical questions, and I hadn't gotten the information I needed.  By expressing this to him, he felt accused.  Whatever.  

So, I let him spew.  Then I explained that the things he thought I was saying were "difficult" were not difficult, they were impossible, and were never going to happen because of grant restrictions.  Also, I truly did not have the information I needed to move forward, even though he thought he had sent enough.  I told him I understood how he felt, but there really wasn't anything I could do.  Finally, he acknowledged that, so I asked him to acknowledge it in a follow up email to everyone, which he did.  Score!  

Then everyone was super helpful because through our online conflict things really got clarified (and. . .I drummed up some sympathy because he looked like the jerk in the situation).  Sometimes it's good to express a "negative" emotion - just be aware of the shit-storm that may ensue if an unenlightened person is involved.  It can be turned into something good, but you can't let yourself turn hateful, which is hard.  

So conflict, as long as the emotional reaction to it doesn't go totally overboard, can actually be beneficial.

Sources: one of the sources for this reflection who must be cited is bell hooks - thank you so much, Dr. hooks, for the notion of "Talking Back."

How honest emotion can create connection

I went to a new coffee shop today, it's just down the street so I was excited to see what it's like.I was welcomed by a young woman as she swept the floor. I asked for a cappuccino and a young man, who turned out to be her brother, come out from the other room and also greeted me.

Just to make conversation, I asked them if they had any plans for Halloween.  He shared that he wasn't going to throw a party because he had too much to do at the store, and told me about his costume last year.   His sister told me about what costumes she was thinking about - they shared a lot, so I wanted to be as open.  I said I hadn't been planning on dressing up but that today I was having second thoughts because I really need to make fun a priority.  I decided to be honest and say I was feeling bummed out right now because I have too much work this quarter which was why.

He asked me where I was going to school what I was doing.  Then he shared a lot of things about himself - the journey toward opening the coffee shop, his love for coffee, that he knows how to roast the beans himself - they have a beautiful roaster right in the shop!  Numerous other things.  His sister flitted in and out, busy with work around the shop, but she inevitably made eye contact with me and asked me questions, so we kept conversing.  I even conversed with other customers who came in!

It is amazing how sharing an honest emotion can open people up to you.  sharing that I was bummed, but listening to what they were telling me about costumes, Halloween, etc, with interest really created an atmosphere of love.  They are obviously loving people, as well.  Told me they have 5 other siblings!  wow - they must have learned a lot through that experience.  . . .

and. . .the cappuccino was delicious.

No need to weed

I stumbled upon a festivity this evening by chance when I was walking to the bus stop.  A little corner store, a boutique with mainly vintage items, had just opened.  I walked through the front door and scanned the room, a woman was looking at me so I made eye contact, and we searched for something to say for probably a millisecond, but it seemed longer.  Then I said, is this your store?  She said, "No! it's my friend's store, let me get her." She came back with a charming woman whose beautiful smile was truly enhanced by her red lipstick.  She said it was their opening party and welcomed me.  I told her I liked "her stuff," which made her smile even brighter, and that the last time I had been in a store with stuff I felt that excited about was back when Puttin' On the Dog was around.  She had never even heard of it - before her time.  I said it was leaning more toward Goth, however, and her place was much more cheerful. The woman next to me commented how this place "has good energy."  It sure did.

I have often wondered what we mean when we say "good energy."  Is it the Feng Shui of a place? Is it "The Force?" Is it simply positive emotions that ricochet between us when we treat each other with kindness?  I think it may be something related to all three, but something more.  That is, feeling good has to do with a certain connection to goodness that isn't rational or according to any formula.  It is enjoyment in the connections we make to people and to God.  I left that place feeling very energized, after her glowing reception of me and the general friendliness of everyone there.  Of course, I was already feeling good when I walked by and couldn't resist the urge to stop in to experience a little festivity - like attracts like.  The "Law of Attraction" spiritual view makes a lot of sense to me.

I have been thinking about me need to spend more time with people who make me feel good, and wondering how to go about vetting people - I think the idea of like attracts like really works with out one needing to "weed out" certain people.  When you're happy, you just annoy unhappy people, right?  When you're feeling good about life, others who also feel good about life want to be around you.

Protest, occupation, love

The day started out with an encounter on Broad and High (the center of our little corner of the universe) with folks protesting at the capitol. It was 7 in the morning, so it was dark. We could barely make out what the structure we saw was. My friend figured it out first: "Occupy Wall Street" protesters.

The woman was cordial and invited us to come under their shelter (a welcome relief from the wind). She explained to us that they had gotten a permit to be there. She said they had a team of lawyers working for them, and that among their projects was finding legal squatting grounds for homeless students.  She said there were hundreds of them. We signed their petition to be able to stay there.  

It was encouraging to see political activism so closely tied to social activism.  Basically making acts of compassion and love political acts.  

Loving, what that means

A colleague of mine is about the same age and we were talking about the pernicious phenomenon of being told we ought to hurry up and have kids.  She said someone told her she should go for artificial insemination, but there was no way in hell she would ever do that. The bottom line for her is that she needs to have someone in the bed she can poke and say "it's your turn, honey." when the baby cries.

Since that conversation, I've been reading "all about love" by bell hooks.  In it she uses love as verb instead of a noun because, while we tend to define love as a feeling, it ought to take place as an action, or an interaction.  She says there are six elements that define love, if one is missing then love isn't possible: caring, respect, affection, responsibility, commitment, and trust.  Without that starting point as a definition, it is very likely that a relationship misses on one or more of those things.

Think about your relationships and ask yourself if you've really been loving!? I feel woahfully inadequate.  In fact, the only place in my life where I feel I'm doing right by people according to those criteria, is at work! How ironic.  Particularly when I think about my past long-term relationships with men, I feel so relieved I am not in those relationships anymore because the way I was in them is not where I want to be!  The happy part is that now I have a direction to follow, and a renewed sense humility and responsibility.

As for having a baby, the truth is that what I really want is love and a baby represents the extension of love between two people. So, I may never have a baby, but that's OK if I gain the ability to love right.

Garden of Eden?

My friend was feeling down, so I gave her a call.  She is going through some really hard times right now and it was important to listen to her and help her sort things out.  She sounded devastated when she first answered the phone, but after I let her spill everything her voice got much lighter.  I appreciated the chance to listen to her and hopefully be of help.  Soon she was joking again, like her regular self.  She then asked me how I was and wanted an update on the men I'm dating.

I gave her the scoop.  Then we started talking about what we want in regard to men.  I joked that at one point I was thinking I should try two at a time. Yeah. . that'll be the day - ha! Actually, I really want one good one, I said. She said she really did too, and she just wanted a successful project in that arena of her life.  She has an MBA so she often frames things in marketing theory, or uses business terms.  I said I really didn't like that term - a project. It sounds stressful, like a job.

I would rather have a garden, I said.  You have to work at it, but unlike a project, it's never done. It would be exciting to watch it change and grow over time, a life-giving place to share with someone.  Exciting prospect, yet scary somehow. . .to really commit like that.

Social justice and spirituality, a necessary unity

In reading Alice Walker and her illustrations of the way interlocking systems of oppression keep us from our spiritual side I think about my own spiritual upbringing.  My mother was/is a seeker and we had a lot pf spiritually oriented self help books around the house.  The focus of most of these was on overcoming our physical selves and becoming aligned with our spiritual selves.  She also had a thing about ”vibes”, particularly in regard to people with “bad vibes.”  I always felt like it was somehow elitist.  I rebelled against it and hung out with rebellious types, tried to be rebellious, and generally questioned this duality put forward as a framework for spirituality: body = bad, spirit=good.  Is the “real” self a sort of liquid poured into the vessel of the body? It didn’t make sense to me.  

Well, like anything else your parents do that you rebel against, you one day come to understand its value.  I now also feel sensitive to “bad vibes.”  All of the suffering people bring with them - it can suck you in, if you let it.  Their problems, their negative emotions can become your problems and negative emotions.  It doesn’t have to be that way, but there is a lot of wisdom in my mother’s awareness of bad vibes and advice to avoid those with them.  I reallly like what Thich Nhat Hanh has to say about these negative emotions, that is, the suffering that people have.  He says “Karuna,” which can be translated as “compassion” has the ability to “transform suffering and lighten sorrows.”  He says the Buddha has a serene smile despite his awareness of immense suffering in the world because he understood how “to take care of it and help transform it.”  I am thankful to my teacher this quarter for allowing me to read such soul-quenching books for my class and to help me come to know why social justice and spirituality are one in the same to me.

Sources: “Teachings on Love” - Thich Nhat Hanh; “We are the Ones We’ve Been Waiting For” - Alice Walker

Interruptions. . .

What is an interruption?  An intrusion? Something, unannounced, unwanted, that stops you from continuing something you were focused on?  Or does something un-pleasurable stop, in which case you're happy about it?

Mostly, interruptions are things we want to control, whether to avoid them, or to make them happen.  We want to avoid them when we are engaged in something "important" so we tell others not to "disturb," or . . .we use them to use them to stop a process intentionally, to control an outcome, as in the famous coitus interruptus. . .

My father's friend, who is a writer, has a sign on his office door which says "I welcome interruptions!"  I always liked this because, there is something so completely welcome about being interrupted from work. An unexpected break can be wonderful.  Then again, it can be the most irritating thing in the world when you're in the zone of full engagement.

I work at home on Fridays, ostensibly to avoid interruptions. Writing takes a level of consciousness, that you can't reach when you're interacting with people. So, today, I reflect on what that means as I get into the zone. . .
hopefully!

Loner, observer, or agile agent. . .?

I went out for about an hour and mingled with random people. Afterward, I spent time with close friends last night. It was much-needed time with them. I was thinking I wouldn't post anything today because there wasn't much to post about without a date interaction, or one of that sort.

Then I asked my self, what is the nature of interaction between one person and a crowd? One aspect is that you notice things when not in conversation with companions. For example, I overheard a young guy say to some pro-Jesus (should I call them protesters? They had signs about Jesus and how to not go to Hell) that he loved "cock." He didn't yell it very loud, just stated it defiantly. Seeing those social tensions at play is really interesting, the qualitative researcher comes out in me. . . now I feel like I know my city a little better, which is good.

I was also reminded that most people are so caught up with their own concerns that they are "in their heads", so they don't notice you, and don't take note you are alone. Or, they are excited to engage with you because you are alone and not talking with someone else. I had a pleasant discussion at a booth that was set up to promote an upcoming event. It was nice to be able to stop and engage without worrying about staying too long (on account of someone I was with). That kind of agility is only afforded to a person on their own. It is more powerful to be on your own because you can focus and learn what you want to learn, make a difference where you want to make a difference.

After being alone socializing is so much richer because you get that needed feedback - it was so nice to be with friends after that. Once again, life on Earth is all about contrasts. . .duality. . .tension. . .