Problem solving, Foucault style

Foucault talks about power differentials in society and the injustices they create in terms of forces colliding. When two forces come into conflict, one ends up dominating, and the other submitting.

Unless, violence ensues.

The recent riots in London are an example of colliding forces, different values, and conflicting desires. One shop owner called the rioters "feral rats." That is really interesting considering the following quote by Banksy, London stencil graffiti artist:

"Like most people I have a fantasy that all the little powerless losers will gang up together. That all the vermin will get some good equipment and then the underground will go overground and tear this city apart."

That is from his book "Existencilism" which I bought in 2007. Rather prophetic. . .It was written under pictures of his renderings of rats setting off explosives, with the title "The Rat Pack."

Conflict is a part of human life, perhaps it is essential to all life on Earth. Our eyes can't see without the contrast between light and dark. Meaning, at its most fundamental level, can only exist in the difference between two things. Like a bump in the surface of a piece of paper to someone reading braille, it is a difference in the surface the reader feels that conveys a tiny unit of meaning.

That tension of difference is painful, meaningful. . . and beautiful. Can we come to a place where we recognize conflict, difference and tension, learn from it and respond seeking the benefit of everyone?

In any case, avoiding it makes it impossible to resolve it peacefully - a problem which is not recognized will never be solved. . .

Sources: Foucault (Knowledge/Power); Bateson (Mind and Nature); Fanon (Les Damnes De La Terre); Schucman (A Course in Miracles); Banksy (Existencilism)

Hanuman. . .animal/human nature

I went on an awesome date last week. Before dinner he took me to a gallery for some live music, followed by a perusal of the exhibits. The music was definitely unconventional, but hypnotic and very soothing. The first act was hilarious, comprised of random utterances read from a book with responding guitar strums. It was rather enjoyable and kind of tapped into the right brain and its non-linearity. The second performance was transcendental viola that sort of enveloped the ambient din of conversation into its sound.

Having started the evening like that, I was in a sort of alpha wave state of mind. Earlier we had been talking about a piece of his art, which featured Hanuman (a monkey-like God, supposed to be an incarnation of Shiva) with flaming hands. It sparked the memory of a powerful dream, which I shared. It was a bit embarrassing - I was actually sweating by the end of my explanation of my dream - but I felt compelled to share it because if I didn't the memory might escape me.

This dream is really important. I was in a stone mansion with many rooms (obvious self metaphor). I was in a dark room on one of the upper floors, there were women in there but at a distance, sitting, crowded together, on a Chaise lounge. I looked through the window and there was a large gorilla looking from outside, like King Kong climbing up the side of the Empire State Building. Except the gorilla's head was a hand "wreathed in flame."

OK, very odd thing to share with someone you don't know! Well, I only shared the part about the gorilla with the flaming hand head. Then, you'd think I would have dropped it! Nope - when we were talking later, the meaning of the dream came to me and I had to verbalize it to him.

We had been talking about the place of conflict in human interaction and the related topic of violence. There is a place for disagreement and conflict - in fact, I don't think it would be possible to have this world without it, it is fundamental to the experience here. However, there is something I learned from my aforementioned yoga teacher in Switzerland. Animals in the wild deal with conflict by fighting for dominance. Humans do that, too - but we take it a step, or many steps, farther. We go for injury beyond dominance, we go for the kill. Or we manipulate indirectly. We deal with feeling dominated, or oppressed by others, in sick ineffective ways.

The meaning of my dream was that I was embarking on a journey to unite healthy, but primal, animal qualities of my self with the sublime spiritual qualities. Hanuman physically represents this in his human/monkey appearance. There doesn't need to be a dichotomy between those things. Learning to assert yourself, and being OK with acknowledging someone's dominance are key elements of human interaction. Healthy interaction is a part of loving your brothers and sisters on this planet and overcoming the collective illnesses. Amen!

I'm amped up. . is that good?

I have been feeling amped up lately. I am getting on my own nerves. It is as though I can't deal with the idea that, yes! Things are really this good. Or, perhaps, I am afraid I will ginx it if I get too happy about it.

I am going for energized and joyful, not menacing. But I feel that way. . .a bit of an angry edge to my joy. Am I channeling my inner adolescent boy?

I feel unafraid. What have I got to lose? I am realizing. . . nothing! More good stuff continues to come as I find my unique way of helping those around me. Oddly, it mainly has to do with being myself, and being true to myself.

Letting go. . .admitting mistakes

I oversaw the organization of an event last weekend. 3 people came. At least $5000 were invested into the event.

Yeah.

Never doing that again. . .I can salvage it by making the video available, instructional materials, etc. Live and learn, right?

Shit. Not so much. I have been sleepless and stressed all week about it. Not every minute, but whenever I don't have something else to engage in. By the end of the week I was exhausted.

I decided to let go. Everything else at work is going well. I discussed it with my boss, and we decided we needed to go with a different model for these workshops, anyway.

OK, this really sounds like rationalizing - "really, really! It's fine!!!!"

It's not fine, but I'm letting go of it anyway. I made a mistake, took too much of a risk. Now I'll hold myself to making it right. That's it.

I really think that being honest and joyful is the best thing you can do for a person, whether at work or with friends and family. If you make a mistake, just admit it and address it - ask for help in fixing it! Usually it is not nearly as bad when you say it out loud as it had seemed in your own head. My boss was like, "yeah, we need to use a totally different model for that program." Verrry true. . .

"Own your mistakes or they own you." Paulo Coehlo

How to Say "No" - the "Mi Da Gioia?" Test

My yoga teacher, who I practiced with when I lived in Switzerland, used to say we should ask ourselves three times if something gives us joy when we're trying to decide whether or not to do it. Our language was Italian - thus, "Mi Da Gioia?", or "Does it give me joy?" This is still how I say it to myself when I am trying to figure out if I want to do something.

The answer needs to come straight from the heart, and three responses of "yes!" in a row is a definite green light. If you get two out of three, I suggest re-phrasing or asking again with a different permutation on the situation in question. If you can't respond positively, reflecting on it is good.

My friend just asked me to do something I wasn't sure about. I wanted to support her, though, so it was hard to say "No." But the "Mi Da Gioia?" test kept coming out negative. Of course, she not being familiar with that criterion, I had to come up with a reason. It came to me while I was actually talking to her about it. We came to a solution that both of us felt comfortable with it, too. Soooo. . . pre-scripting isn't necessary when you want to say "No." Just do it directly, lovingly.

Male-female dynamics

Last night I received a long-lasting, life-giving, loving bear hug from a man I've been friends with for a few years now after I shared the following theory (just idea I am tossing around). It had an impact on him, and, for all you male readers, I would love to hear how it makes you feel.

The conundrum I mentioned in an earlier post is related to a fundamental problem I have also considered seriously as of late. That is the imbalance of power between men and women on planet earth.

As you know, I am looking for my life mate. So I am simultaneously working on myself, and what kind of a lover/friend/partner I could be. Not to mention, looking better ways to be around men so they love you and want more of you. :-) My friend turned me on to a self help guru named Christian Carter whose focus is mainly on women and how they can improve their relationships with men. His book and CD titles are hilariously cheesy: "Catch Him and Keep Him," "Make or Break Moments with Men," and "Communication Secrets with Men."

The content, however, is nothing to look down upon (ladies!), and is actually quite profound. One of the pieces I was listening to the other day (by his guest speaker Carol Allen) emphasized that men do not react well to being shamed, or to demands. In other words, whatever you do, don't trounce on his sovereignty, because he may comply for a while, but he will resent it and start acting like an asshole, or just leave. AWESOME! That is a great rule of thumb.

But it is also profound if you think about male-female dynamics world-wide. My friend had been complaining about how women are treated poorly in some countries and that he thought that is what is keeping those countries down. This is a cliche (if you didn't know) - which I don't subscribe to because women are kept down here in the old US of A, too. However, he had a very sincere intention when he said it, and something clicked in my mind between that idea and the "dirty little secret" of poverty which is that in many poverty level households the menfolk are drinking (drugging, sexing, etc) away the very little income that it can claim. Part of the success of micro-loans is that they are going to women who tend to spend them wisely (afterall, managing household resources is a part of our genes, right?).

Christian Carter's premise, and I agree with this whole-heartedly, is that a woman needs to engage men using her feminine ability to receive and let them take care of her. As soon as she makes demands, however, or gets offended, emotional, etc., the man becomes disengaged. Does anyone else recognize that pattern? Wow! I see it all around me.

Men in relationships like that, in which they are disengaged, are pretty much blights on society. OK, sorry to be harsh (remember, I did get a bear hug after giving a complete explanation). So, if we are going to get out of this global mess we're in, women need to reclaim their power (are you liking this?). They need to be the leaders, and lead men by showing them how to be healthy in relationships. Women can do this by giving men cues for them to respond to (men are sooo good at that. . .yay, men!), rather than demands, or shaming them. It is also important to verbalize your needs and feelings in an honest, non-blaming way.

I humbly put forward that this may very well lead us away from war, and other forms of tragedy.

In conclusion, although I have had my fair share of confusion (read:vexation) with them, I love men! Men and women are both beautiful.

My commitment, happiness

Oh yeah, did I forget to mention? A few years ago I decided to become a happy person.

At the time, and for many years before then, I had been having health problems and was a generally miserable person.

I had had enough of that person.

I started choosing to be happy all day, every day. So, for example, if I started feeling unhappy at work I would listen to a song that forced me to be happy. A major transgression against my former, serious self! I also started practicing yoga and other activities which give me joy.

I started exploring my creative side more and more. I decided to sing, and a group invited me to chant the Hanuman Chaleesa, which I obviously took them up on.

Wait. . . back up.

About a month after I made the decision to become a happy person, I moved out the house I lived in with my husband. An inevitable result.

Then, I commenced to journal like crazy, get in touch with long lost friends, reach out to all loved ones and apologize for being a shit. You get the idea.

Thennn. . . I began focusing on my creative side. First singing, then I acted in some of my friend's projects and worked on her play, attending inspiring dance performances, next on the list. . painting! And, of course, this blog is my main creative outlet for the next year while I finish my coursework.

So, happiness is actually a commitment. It entails daily micro-decisions as well as overarching life tracks. As I search for my life mate, I am guided by the criterion that he must be someone who is committed to being happy himself, and is willing to commit to creating a happy life with me.

Good Conversation, an energizing interaction

Last night I finally went out with the guy who I was supposed to go to a wedding with on Saturday. It was fun - he made me laugh a lot and vice versa. There is nothing more energizing than that! Particularly when it's an official date, and you both know it's a date. You pay more attention to what you say and how you respond, taking nothing for granted. So, you actually practice mindfulness in that way - a key to happiness.

Love Letter

Dear You-Know-Who:

Perhaps you think I have been overly friendly, showing too much - how much I admire you. And, you would be right to think so!

I show so much affection
and reveal my anticipation
for a thrilling connection. . .

It is right to question how I do so with someone with whom I am not very familiar with in reality. I don't blame you for having a hard time accepting this. Why would you believe I am sincere? or that I actually can be sincere!

Let me explain.

Over the years, I have witnesses some of your unique gifts. Every one has a unique way in which they can teach people, but not everyone chooses to utilize their gift. You are a teacher, not as your official profession, but in the way you interact with people. You share this gift bravely and it makes me proud, and it makes me want to encourage you in everything you do. You may rightly ask if I stop to think critically about what you say? If I question it? Absolutely, and I have a lot of questions. But I have heard enough to know that you are tuned into yourself, your real self, when you are teaching.

Is this a love letter? It is. But it must be understood within the current context. This is not the kind of love letter Juliette would write Romeo. There are no longer socially accepted behaviors for courtship, engagement and marriage . . . that a love letter could refer to and. . . transgress! The women's movement has done a lot of good things-or rather, it is a good thing. But one great tradition it has taken away is courtship, and the ability to show interest in someone without immediate expectations of the infamous, and nebulous, "relationship."

You once asked me, as you came close and looked me in the eyes, "is there something you'd like to say to me?" and there was, though I wasn't able to say it then. Now I can. In this context, with its wonderful freedoms, I say, I am drawn to you. You are one of my tribe. Love? I don't want to speak of it because of the tendency to connect it to so many things which have nothing to do with it. But I just did. . .

How to respond when you're feeling dissed

In my search for Freedom-Love, I am finding it necessary to clear out my toxic thinking and make way for all the good things I want in life. Toxic thinking blocks possibilities, limiting your freedom. Thus, it is diametrically opposed to Freedom-Love.

Yet, we're only human! And. . . we have feelings, which, by the way, are important to share authentically. So, let me give an example to illustrate how to overcome toxic thinking as it happens.

I received a text yesterday from a man my friend is trying to hook me up with (thank you, awesome friend!) - so, I was happy to hear from him and we bantered off and on throughout the afternoon. My friend had told me that there was a wedding he needed to go to, and he would be asking me to be his date. After the text bantering he called me and we discussed said wedding. He was feeling a bit uncomfortable about going, though, for various reasons. I said to just go with his feelings about it and that, as far as I was concerned, we absolutely didn't have to go. We both hung up with the expectation that in the future we would go on a date, but hadn't made any plans. Then, I heard from him today. . .texting that he "was having second thoughts about the wedding," but he wanted to get together soon. I took that to mean he was not wanting to go to the wedding so I said "No problem!" I hoped he was well. . .trying to just reassure him, yet leave the driving up to him as far as what we would do together. He then responded inquisitively, "Umm, ok? :)" so I said "Did you want to do something other than the wedding?" When he said yes, I said "Alright! Gallery Hop?" - which is tonight, and I would have loved to have a date to go with. . . and then there was silence.

Immediately, I interpreted the lack of response as a negative. I started feeling dissed. I don't like feeling that way though, so I figured something must have come up which is why he couldn't text right back. I put my mind on other things. . . an hour passed without me thinking about it. Then, I checked my phone. . .no text, no call.

Right. Couldn't be that something came up, obviously avoiding answering. . .I was vexed. At least I was smart enough NOT to text while vexed (ha ha!). So, again, I put my mind on other things. . another hour passed, and I thought, well. . . I'll just forget about him - no harm done, right? But that didn't sit well with me. Because it left me with the thought that I had been dissed, and that he didn't want to spend time with me. Also, what if I had wanted to go out with someone else, and I was sitting there waiting on his answer? So. . I needed an answer, and that is not too much to ask, I concluded. So I texted: "Sooo. . .we're not on for tonight?" He reminded me that he was going to the wedding. So, I said "AAAAh. . now I get it!" and he apologized. So, we both were able to communicate without losing face.

In the old days, I would have dropped it after his first lack of response, and never known that he just was under a different assumption than me, or was simply trying to figure out a way to say "no" without embarassing me. My brain would have filled the void of knowledge with all sorts of toxic thinking, which I would then generalize to my overall experience with men. I am reprogramming that sort of thinking now, and opening up to a world of possibilities. And. . .remember not to text while vexed.

This is dedicated to Marci - an awesome friend who I spoke to about this incident this evening.

Conundrum: Freedom-Love

Can you have as much love as you have freedom, or do you need to choose one over the other; ie settling down, or giving up your freedom, in order to have love, or long-term relationship. Does love equal a long-term relationship? I think believing this causes one to have a sense of failure regarding their experiences with human connection. This is the fundamental conundrum of life here on earth, and it is insidious.

I am looking for freedom-love. This includes every facet of my life, in every human interaction.

It's the difference between convincing, and persuading; controlling, and motivating; giving with expectation, and loving; being clear about what you need, yet allowing others the freedom to respond the way they want.

I had a hard time last week telling someone that I was frustrated with the situation our project was in. It seemed I had done everything in my power to get it to move forward and it wouldn't budge. I get frustrated thinking about it even now. So, I said I was frustrated, saying "I am at my wits' end." Then I listened - because that statement obviously provoked a response in him. It was hard not to interrupt and I found myself doing it, but I did my best to just let him talk. From listening, I gathered that he had not received the vast majority of the feedback my team had been sending him, or the information he got wasn't enough for him to move forward. I don't know if realizing this really solves the problem, but at least I know now what questions to ask. He also now seems very motivated to get the job done, and was keen on learning about a new project I needed his help on.

I can see the same pattern in my former marriage. I didn't understand why my husband wasn't earning any money, so I took extra jobs, I worked hard at our relationship. The harder I worked the more miserable I became. The conundrum was I couldn't control him. I couldn't make him get a job, make him do house work, make him communicate. All that work was focused on controlling him and our situation - a hellish goal in human relationships. These fundamental ways of seeing human interaction affect all of our relationships. With my life-partner search, and with my seeking happiness for myself, letting go of control and allowing others to act is an important goal.

Putting my heart into it

When I was on vacation earlier this month, I made a resolution that I would start putting my heart into everything I do. This includes dating and seeking my life partner. What I mean by "putting my heart into" it is that I will do it sincerely, and with the expectation that I will succeed. I have always been a Pollyanna, or seemed it in the eyes of others, but I don't find it overly optimistic. Sincerity and weeding out cynicism is only the minimum you can do to grow and become a better person. It is about seeing every situation as part of your learning.

Already, I am getting a lot of support from the people around me. It was scary (I am only human) to put my heart out there and tell everyone I am looking for my life partner, and am currently sooooo single. However, people seem to like it. A couple people have already told me they know a single guy I might be interested in. And, I am getting the attention of my male friends, who are fascinated, and, who knows? some may ask me out!

EHarmony questions don't always have answers

I recently started connecting on line with people through eHarmony. It cost $200 to sign up of 6 months, so it better be worth it. The question is, what would make it worth it? To find the love of my life? I don't know about that. eHarmony doesn't change the fact that one needs to make a good impression in person. I signed up because, with my busy schedule of coursework and full-time job, it seems necessary in order to interact with people frequently. Otherwise, I would interact with mainly the same people everyday.

So. . . anything good in these interactions? The eHArmony system walks you through a sort of "interaction process." Which is good. I've been going along with that process and simply responding to the men that make contact with me, and reaching out to a couple of them. While no hot dates have come out of it (not yet!), there is something valuable in the process itself. The patterns that are emerging in our interactions are interesting, and perhaps instructive. I'm asked by nearly every single guy if I have a sense of humor, and. . .I say "I crack myself up!" They want to know if I am physically affectionate, if I need to feel chemistry on the first date, how I am with money, etc (see some of my answers here). Hopefully, I will have gained more knowledge about my own preferences in dating and relationships by the time the 6 months are up, and I will also have a sense of what is important to men (good to know!).